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What's the best thing for a hangover in the morning?

Fifteen pints of lager the night before.

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What's the difference between a Tampon and a Lada?

The Tampon comes with its own tow rope.

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How does a prostitute take her liquor?
By the ears.
 
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What do you call a woman on one leg?

Eileen

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What do mechanics and lesbians have in common?
Snapon Tools!

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What is illegal ?

A sick bird.

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How do you get a depressed person out of a tree?

Cut the rope.

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What is the best way to cook alligator?

In a croc pot

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What do fish do in a crisis?

They sea-kelp

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What’s better than winning the lottery
Winning it the day after you’re divorce comes in

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How does the man in the moon cut his hair?

Eclipse it.

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What did the horse say to the one legged jockey.

How you getting on.

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What has hit more balls than David Beckhams right boot?

Katie prices chin!!

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Why do U2’s legal team work for free?
Because they’re pro Bono

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Why do Marxists only ever drink horrible tea?
Because all proper tea is theft.

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What do electric vehicles and Diarrhoea have in common?

Range Anxiety!

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Q: What's the difference between an Australian wedding and an Australian funeral?
A: There's one less drunk at the funeral.

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What's the difference between a tramp and an MP?
One sits about on a bench all day, usually falling asleep, enjoys long liquid lunches and contributes nothing to society. The other's a tramp.
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Q: Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

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Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff in your new car.
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Q. What's the definition of 'Macho'?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
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How do you save a lawyer from drowning?

Stop pressing his head under water.

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Why was Cinderella thrown off the team?

Because she ran away from the ball

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Professor: What’s your superpower? Me: Hindsight.

Professor: That’s not going to help us. Me: Yes, I see that now

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What's the difference between an Irish Wedding and an Irish Wake?
One less drunk!

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