The Texas Chili Cookoff - This Is Hysterical

[uk666]

The Texas Chili Cookoff - This Is Hysterical

I Became a Judge at a Chili Cook-Off

Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.

The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in... I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

Chili # 1: MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

• Judge 1: A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
• Judge 2: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
• Judge 3: Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one.

Chili # 2: EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

• Judge 1: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
• Judge 2: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
• Judge 3: Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

• Judge 1: Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
• Judge 2: A bit salty, good use of peppers.
• Judge 3: Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back. I'm getting red-faced from all the beer.

Chili # 4: BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

• Judge 1: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
• Judge 2: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
• Judge 3: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating!

Chili # 5: LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

• Judge 1: Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
• Judge 2: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
• Judge 3: My ears are ringing; sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili # 6: VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

• Judge 1: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
• Judge 2: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
• Judge 3: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore.

Chili # 7: SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

• Judge 1: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
• Judge 2: Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
• Judge 3: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it's made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful.

Chili # 8: BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

• Judge 1: The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
• Judge 2: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. 
• Judge 3: Judge 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?