Just for Laughs

[Seafood]

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-a$# guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand

[Seafood]

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store. When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven. She removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven. When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, 'Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!' At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs! Yep..................SHE'S BLONDE!

[Seafood]

A blonde goes to a restaurant, buys a coffee and sits down to drink it. She looks on the side of her cup and finds a peel off prize. She pulls off the tab and yells, 'I WON! I WON! I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!'

The waitress runs over and says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a mini van!"

The not very intelligent young lady replies, "No. I WON A motor home, I WON a motor home!"

By this time the manager makes his way over to the table and says, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor homes because we didn't have that as a prize!"

Again the not very intelligent young lady says, "No, no mistake, I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!"

The not very intelligent young lady hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL."

[Seafood]

You may not know this but many non-living things have a gender.

A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.

A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

Copiers are Female, because once turned off it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

A Hammer is Male , because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

A Remote Control is Female.

Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you?

But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

[Seafood]

An Aussie Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.

" I'm sorry, St Peter said; " But Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals."

"That's cool" said the Blonde, "What does the Entrance Exam consist of ?"

" Just three questions" said St Peter.

" Which are?" asked the Blonde.

" The first," said St Peter, "is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"

The second is " How many seconds are there in a year ?"

The third is "What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?"

" Now," said St Peter, " Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me."

So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought

( I expect you --- the reader to do the same ).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, " I have."

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

The Blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

" Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions" St Peter went on, " how many seconds in a year ?"

The Blonde replied, " Twelve !"

" Only twelve" exclaimed St Peter, " How did you arrive at that figure ?"

" Easy,' said the Blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds."

St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, " I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision & the context in which it was given." And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. " I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda ?"

The blonde replied: " Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer."

" Really !" exclaimed St Peter, " And what is the answer ?"

" It's Andy."

" Andy ??"

" Yes, Andy," said the Blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked "How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer ?"

" Easy " said the Blonde, " Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled."

And the Blonde entered Heaven...and ...............you're singing it now, aren't you ??? ..........

[Seafood]