Just for Laughs

[Seafood]

BBC News - Breast-fed babies 'better behaved'

Yes, I'm well behaved when I've got a tit in my mouth too.

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Alcohol doesn't agree with me ...

it thinks my wife is attractive.

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I've just found out, if you turn a tortoise upside down and spin it round on the floor as fast as you can...
...It doesn't fecking like it.

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Police are investigating an episode of 'Bargain Hunt' filmed in Liverpool

After both teams got their 3 items without spending any of their £300 budget!!..

 

 

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I'm not saying my areas rough but ASDA are doing Father's Day cards in packs of 10

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When I am bored, I like to ring up Currys and ask if they deliver.

When they say "yes", I like to respond with "Well, I'll have a Lamb Balti with a Keema Naan, and the Missus will have a Chicken Korma".

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Returning after their Summer break , a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona.

Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to looks like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear nametags because they

don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is ok now. They do

exercises there, but they don't do them very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but they jump up and down in it with their hats on. At the gate,

there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out and go cruising in

their golf carts.

Nobody there cooks. They just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night--early birds. Some of the people can't get past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring back food to the wrecked center for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked hard all of his life to earn his retardment and says that I should work hard too so I can be retarded someday too.

When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.

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Whoever came up with the spelling for "receipt" was an idiopt.

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Naan-aa, just killed a man

Poppadom against his head

Had lime pickle, now he’s dead.

Naan-naa, dinner just begun

But now I’m going to crap it all away.

Naan-aa, ooh-ooh

Didn’t mean to make you cry,

Seen nothin’ yet just see the loo tomorrow,

Curry on, Curry on,

‘cause nothing really madras.

Too late, my dinner’s gone

Sends shivers up my spine

Rectum aching all the time.

Goodbye every bhaji, I’ve got to go

Gotta leave you all behind and use loo.

Naa-na, ooh ooh,

This Dopiaza’s mild,

I Sometimes wish we’d never come here at all....

(Guitar solo)

I see a little chicken tikka on the side,

Rogan Josh, Rogan Josh

pass the chutney made of mango.

Vindaloo does nicely

Very very spicey

ME

Biryani (Biryani)

Biryani (Biryani)

Biryani and a naan,

(A vindaloo loo loooo..)

I’ve eaten balti, somebody help me

He’s eaten balti, get him to a lavatory

Stand you well back

Cause this loo is quarantined.

Here it comes,

There it goes,

technicolor yawn.

I chunder

No

It’s coming up again

(There he goes) I chunder

It’s coming up again

(There he goes) It’s coming up again, (Up again)

Coming up again (up again)

Here it comes again

(No no no no no non o no no No)

On my knees, I’m on my knees, I’m on my knees

Oh there he goes

This vindaloo

Is about to wreck my guts

Poor me....Poor me...Poor me !

(Guitar solo)

So you think you can chunder and still it’s alright ?

So you want to eat curry and drink beer all night?

Ohh maybe, now you’ll puke like a baby,

Just had to come out,

Just had to come right out in here....

(Guitar solo)

Korma, saag or bhuna,

Balti, naan, bhaji.

Nothing makes a difference

Nothing makes a difference to me

(Anyway, my wind blows.)

[Seafood]

Two old ladies sitting in church.

One leans over and whispers to the other "my butt is going to sleep."

"The other replies, "I know I have heard it snore three times."

 

 

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A man told the doctor : "My wife's pregnant, but we haven't

had sex in over a year. I don't understand it."

The doctor said : "It's what we in the medical profession call a grudge pregnancy."

"What's a grudge pregnancy?" asked the man.

The doctor replied : "Well, somebody's obviously had it in

for you"

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Ryan was being examined by old Doc Murphy, who, after a thorough examination said, "Yes, it is chronic evil which has deprived you of health and happiness." "Shh!" cautioned Ryan. "For heaven's sake doc, speak softly, the wife is sitting in the next room."

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Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from the neighbors house is genius.

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If you can make a woman laugh, you're almost there.

If you're almost there and then she laughs, that's a different thing.

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The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.

Mike asks if Mars has a stock-market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of love making. “Just how do you guys do it?” asks Maureen. “Pretty much the way you do,” responds the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He’s got only a teeny, weeny member about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. I don’t think this is going to work,” says Maureen. “Why?” he asks, “What’s the matter?” “Well,” she replies, “It’s just not long enough to reach me....

" No problem!" he says and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.

With each slap of the forehead, his member grow until it is impressively long. "Well!" she says. "That's quite impressive, but its still pretty narrow..."

"No, problem!" he says and starts pulling his ears.

With each pull his member grow wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made passionate love. The next day they meet up with their normal partners and go their separate ways.

As they walk along Mike asks "Well? Was it any good?"

"I hate to say it" says Maureen, " but It was pretty wonderful! How about you?"

"It was horrible!" He replies, "All I got was a headache. All she kept doing was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears!"

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Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub watching the Tour de France on TV.

Seamus shook his head and asked, "Whoi t'e hell do they do that?"

"Do what?" asked Mick.

"Go on them boikes for moiles and moiles, up and down t'e hills, round t'e bends. Day after day, week after week. No matter if it's oicy, rainin, snowin, hailin... why would they torture themselves like that?"

"Tis all for the prestige and the money," replied Mick. "You know the winner gets about a half a million Euros?

"Yeah, I understand that," said Seamus, "but why do all the others do it?"

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In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm!:)

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One day, Marie sent her little boy Johnny down to the pond to get some water for cooking dinner.

As he was dipping the bucket in the water he saw two big eyes looking back at him from the water.

He dropped the bucket and hightailed it back to the kitchen.

“Now, where’s my bucket and my water?” Marie asked him.

“I can’t get any water from that pond, Momma” cried Johnny "there’s a BIG ol’ alligator down dere!”

“Now don’t you mind that ol’ alligator, Johnny. He’s been there for a few years now, and he ain’t never hurt nobody. Sure, he’s probably as scared of you as you are of him!”

“Well, Momma,” replied Johnny ”if he’s as scared of me as I am of him, then dat water ain’t fit to drink!”

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A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
“Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!” he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
“Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?” he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said,
“Well… last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma’s idea.”

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A city slicker went to the country to buy a pig. When he approached the pig farmer, he asked for a 25-pound pig.

The pig farmer put the pig’s tail in his mouth and bobbed his head up and down.

He then told the city slicker that the pig was too heavy – it was 30 pounds.

The city slicker told the farmer he didn’t believe that was the way to weigh pigs.

The farmer called his son over and asked him to weigh the pig.

The son put the pig’s tail in his mouth, bobbed his head a couple of times and said the pig weighed 30 pounds.

The city slicker said the farmer and his son were putting him on.

The farmer told his son to go get his mother and have her come out and weigh the pig. The son went into the house and after a few minutes came out again.

“Mom’s weighing the mailman.”

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A dog and a cat were having an argument about who is the favourite of humans.

The dog says “Humans like us more. They even named a tooth (canine) after us. Naming such an important body part after us shows that they like us more.”

The cat smiles and says, “You’re not really going to win this one you know.”

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Paddy is walking home from his local pub when suddenly from out of nowhere a mugger jumped him. The thief and Paddy were battling it out, Paddy is giving as good as he is getting. However, Paddy made one wrong move and the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground. When the thief went through Paddy’s pockets, all he could find on him was a few Euro coins. The thief was in disbelief and demanded to know why Paddy fought so hard for a few cents. “Was that all you wanted?” Paddy replied, “I thought ye were after the five hundred Euros I’ve got hidden in my shoe!”

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Well its only taken over 40 odd years of my life for somebody to finally notice how massively important I really am to this world.
My dentist just asked me to come back next week for a crown!

 

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A Scottish couple took in a 19-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn’t have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

“Monday’s the best night, when my husband goes out to darts,” she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn’t have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn’t believe her, so she said, “Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I’ll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself.”

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, “Do you shave?”

“No,” replied the girl… “I’ve just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?”

“Oh, yes,” said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department … very generously indeed.

The girl finished her bath and went to bed.

Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, “Did you see it?”

“Yes,” he said, “but why the hell did you have to show her yours.”

“Why ever are you worried about that?” she said. “You’ve seen it often enough before.”

“I know,” he said, “But the bloody darts team hadn’t!”

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Three guys were sitting around in a bar discussing whose wife was the most frigid. Harry was definitely sure he had the worst of it. "Listen, you guys," he said, "my wife comes to bed with an ice cube in each hand, and in the morning they haven't begun to melt." "That's nothing," said Phil. "My wife likes to have a glass of water on the bedside table, but by the time she's carried it from the bathroom to the bedroom, it's frozen solid." "Aw, hell," said Herb, "my wife is so frigid that when she spreads her legs, the furnace kicks on."