Seafood Posted December 29, 2024 #51 Posted December 29, 2024 Ive put me foot in it again,,Welll i was helping out at the Salvation Soup Kitchen the time was going on and on and on,So i shouted out,,C.mon you lot havn,t you got homes to go to,,,
Seafood Posted January 2 #52 Posted January 2 My Daughter just returned from her Driving Test. I asked "How did you get on? Daughter, "I failed" I replied, "What did they pull you up on?" Daughter, "A rope, the car is still in the river!" 2
Seafood Posted January 3 #53 Posted January 3 Words of Wisdom - Life can be only understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards. - Trust everybody... then cut the cards. - Don't do for others what, given the chance, they wouldn't do for themselves. - Summer must be over. My neighbor just returned my lawn furniture. - If you are willing to admit you are wrong when you are wrong, then you are all right. - It's good to question authority, but not mine. - Love doesn't really make the world go round, but it makes the ride worthwhile. - Age is just a number & mine is unlisted. - An expert is someone called in at the last minute to share the blame. -The first Ten Commandments are the hardest. - A retired husband is a wife's full time job. - Heredity is something parents comfortably believe in, if they have a bright child. - Only one shopping day left until tomorrow! - Happiness is the place between too little & too much. - Circular arguments often make the rounds. - Even at a Mensa convention, someone is the dumbest person in the room. - When in doubt... mumble. - Money can't buy everything... but then again, neither can no money. 1
Seafood Posted January 4 #54 Posted January 4 Little Timmy arrives at school late one morning. Teacher: “Why are you late little Timmy?” Little Timmy: “My dad got burned this morning.” Teacher: “Oh my! Little Timmy. I hope it wasn’t too bad.” Little Timmy “Well, they don’t feck about at the crematorium.” 1
Seafood Posted January 6 #55 Posted January 6 Was at a Wedding and I whispered to the guy next to me. "The Bride isn't the prettiest is she". "Do you mind, that is my Daughter you're talking about." "Oh I am so sorry, I did not realise you were her Father." "I'm not, I'm her f*cking Mother!" 1 2
Seafood Posted January 7 #56 Posted January 7 “Did ya hear I got married?” “Oh, that’s good.” “No, that’s bad! She’s ugly!” “Oh, that’s bad.” “No, that’s good! She’s rich.” “Oh, that’s good!” “No, that’s bad! She won’t give me a cent.” “Oh, that’s bad.” “No, that’s good! She bought me servants and a big house” “Oh, that’s good.” “No, that’s bad! The house burnt down.” “Oh, that’s bad.” “No, that’s good! She was in it.” 2
Seafood Posted January 8 #57 Posted January 8 Just went into a shop and said, "Can I pay by card?" The cashier said, "No problem, what card do you have?" I said, "The six of clubs!" 1
Seafood Posted January 18 #58 Posted January 18 For weeks have been trying to get an appointment with my Doctor. Finally I saw him Today, dropped my pants and showed him the nasty rash on my Balls. But he ignored me and continued pushing his shopping trolley around Tesco.
Seafood Posted January 20 #59 Posted January 20 My wife came home and told me there was water in the carburetor. I was rather surprised to say the least, so I went out to look at it. OK, where is the car I ask, as it wasn't in the garage. Then she said, it is in the pool. 2
Seafood Posted January 21 #60 Posted January 21 Five ants rented an apartment with another five ants. Now they're Tenants. 3
Seafood Posted February 9 #61 Posted February 9 Me: "What do you want for valentines day?" Wife: "Give me a ring that's enough." Me: "From a landline or mobile?" 2
Seafood Posted February 9 #62 Posted February 9 My Missus was so upset and said the doctor had said she has tiny tits. I said no it its tinnitus love 1
Seafood Posted February 11 #63 Posted February 11 Not many people believed in my ability. But after the loss of 14 pounds in 5 weeks I have done it. Fixed the hole in my pocket. 1 1
Seafood Posted February 22 #64 Posted February 22 First week working at the bicycle factory and they’ve already made me the spokes person. 1
Seafood Posted February 23 #65 Posted February 23 A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examing his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating." The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?" The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room." 2
Seafood Posted March 2 #66 Posted March 2 Paddy and Murphy doing a crossword, "I'm stuck on 2 down Murphy: flightless bird from Iceland (6,7) .Murphy replies "ya thick twat, that's easy...frozen chicken!! 1
Seafood Posted March 4 #67 Posted March 4 Guy next door has gone into hospital after eating a daffodil bulb thinking it was an onion. Doctor said should be out by spring
Seafood Posted March 23 #68 Posted March 23 Once , in a Moscow hotel, I was stung by what I thought at the time was a dodgy looking wasp. Although now I suspect it was the cagey bee.
Seafood Posted March 27 #69 Posted March 27 I said to the missus, "I saw a woman with her tits out on the bus feeding her son." She said, "It's natural." "Natural?" I replied, "She was giving him crisps."
Administrator draww Posted March 29 Administrator #70 Posted March 29 My wife asked me: “What starts with F and ends in K.” I said: “No it doesn’t.” 1
Administrator draww Posted March 29 Administrator #71 Posted March 29 My wife asked me to take the spider out instead of killing it. We went out, had a few drinks. Nice guy. He's a web developer. 1
Seafood Posted April 16 #72 Posted April 16 The Devon and Cornwall music festival has been cancelled. They couldn't decide who to put on first, The Jam or Cream.
Seafood Posted April 17 #73 Posted April 17 Woman "Gravity is the most fundamental force in the Universe" Man "What would happen if you took it away?" Woman "You'd have gravy" 1
Seafood Posted May 4 #74 Posted May 4 Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils? 1 1
Administrator draww Posted May 9 Administrator #75 Posted May 9 I caught my son chewing on electrical cords, so of course I had to ground him... ...he is doing better currently.... conducting himself properly. 3
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