Just for Laughs

[Seafood]

BBC news: A man died at the Nescafe coffee works. A spokesman said "He didn't suffer it was instant".

[Seafood]

Me : I want to divorce my wife.

Lawyer : On what grounds?

Me : She's out all night, every night, going from bar to bar.

Lawyer : Are you saying she's an alcoholic or do you think she's cheating?

Me : No, she's looking for me.

[Seafood]

A guy called me fat, stabbed me in the arm and took all my money.

I hate going to the doctors

[Seafood]

I was in a pub and this girl said to me "would you like a drink".
I said, "your a bit foward aren't you". She said "feck off I'm the barmaid".

[Seafood]

 

    An old lady goes to the dentist.
    She lays back in the chair, strips from the waist down and puts up her legs.
    The dentist says "Excuse me Madam, I am not a Gynaecologist".
    The old lady looks at him and says.
    "I know! I just need to get my husbands teeth back".
     

 

[Seafood]

My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m obsessed with astronomy.

What planet is she on?

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Thanks to the people that said it's fine to allow your pets to sleep on your bed...

Now my goldfish is dead.

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I'm not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you.
just had a really tasty leg of salmon and I feel fine.

 

[Seafood]

A young lad who went into a pet shop and asked if they sold pet wasps.

He was told they never had them.

To that the boy replied you're a liar there were two of them in the window yesterday.

[Seafood]

If 50 Shades of Grey was written by a man:

'I want it now against this wall!' she ordered, 'And keep it up as long as possible.'

'Don't worry,' I said, 'I know how to put up a shelf.'

At the touch of her lips, it grew long and swollen. I sighed as she squeezed and pulled expertly.

It was the best balloon giraffe I'd seen.

Staring at her naked body, I asked what she wanted. She told me to go for something between a smack and a stroke.

So I went for a smoke.

'How do you feel about using toys in the bedroom?' she asked.

'Fine,' I said, 'But I can't see how we're going to fit a Scalextric in here.'

Her body tensed and quivered as she felt wave after wave flow through it.

I probably should've told her about the new electric fence.

She leant over the kitchen table. 'Smack that bottom,' she squealed, 'Smack it hard!'

'I am,' I said, 'But the ketchup just won't come out.'

[Seafood]

Seven stages of married life:

1: Tri-weekly

2: Try weekly

3: Try weakly

4: Try oysters

5: Try anything

6: Try anyone

7: Try to remember

[Seafood]

I was in the chemist and asked the assistant, “What gets rid of germs?”

She said, "Ammonia cleaner."

I said, "Oh sorry, I thought you worked here.”

[Seafood]

Irish archaeologists have discovered a manuscript that has been missing since the thirteenth century.

It's entitled "Irish Dancing Volume II, what to do with your hands".

[Seafood]

I went to the Natural History Museum and saw the two bees that Noah supposedly took with him.

They were in the archives.

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Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny.

If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

 

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A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear…. “Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?” … … The bear responds:”No thank you, I’m stuffed.”

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R.I.P. My neighbour who told his wife he was just popping out for some sewing thread but spent the full day down the pub. Gone but not for cotton.

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Wife. Honey what are you looking at?

Husband. Nothing.

Wife. Nothing? you have been reading our marriage certificate for over an hour.

Husband. I was just looking for the expiry date.

[Seafood]

Marriage is like a game of cards...

you begin with two hearts and a diamond...

Then you want it to end with a club and a spade.

[Seafood]

After the honeymoon, the new wife tells her husband, “I think it’s time for you to stop playing golf. In fact, you might as well sell all of your clubs.”

The husband replies, “You’re starting to sound like my ex-wife.”

His wife says, “I thought you said you’ve never been married before?”

The husband says, “I haven’t.”

[Seafood]

I had a checkup last week, Doctor said " Do you drink much"

I said "the odd pint why"

He said "your urine sample had a head on it!

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EIGHT QUID to see Father Christmas!! waited in the queue for ages for a ONE-minute meeting and a proper rubbish toy, what a rip-off, FUMING!! So glad I never took the kids…

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My friend keeps saying, "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water."

I know he means well.

[Seafood]

ABBA was a Swedish group consisting of Anni-Frid, Bjorn, Benny and Agnetha who used their initials to create their name .

However, the English tribute band, Tracy, Wayne, Adam and Trudy failed in the name making process.