Just for Laughs

[Seafood]

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-a$# guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand

[Seafood]

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store. When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven. She removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven. When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, 'Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!' At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs! Yep..................SHE'S BLONDE!

[Seafood]

A blonde goes to a restaurant, buys a coffee and sits down to drink it. She looks on the side of her cup and finds a peel off prize. She pulls off the tab and yells, 'I WON! I WON! I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!'

The waitress runs over and says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a mini van!"

The not very intelligent young lady replies, "No. I WON A motor home, I WON a motor home!"

By this time the manager makes his way over to the table and says, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor homes because we didn't have that as a prize!"

Again the not very intelligent young lady says, "No, no mistake, I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!"

The not very intelligent young lady hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL."

[Seafood]

You may not know this but many non-living things have a gender.

A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.

A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

Copiers are Female, because once turned off it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

A Hammer is Male , because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

A Remote Control is Female.

Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you?

But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

[Seafood]

An Aussie Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.

" I'm sorry, St Peter said; " But Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals."

"That's cool" said the Blonde, "What does the Entrance Exam consist of ?"

" Just three questions" said St Peter.

" Which are?" asked the Blonde.

" The first," said St Peter, "is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"

The second is " How many seconds are there in a year ?"

The third is "What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?"

" Now," said St Peter, " Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me."

So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought

( I expect you --- the reader to do the same ).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, " I have."

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

The Blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

" Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions" St Peter went on, " how many seconds in a year ?"

The Blonde replied, " Twelve !"

" Only twelve" exclaimed St Peter, " How did you arrive at that figure ?"

" Easy,' said the Blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds."

St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, " I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision & the context in which it was given." And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. " I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda ?"

The blonde replied: " Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer."

" Really !" exclaimed St Peter, " And what is the answer ?"

" It's Andy."

" Andy ??"

" Yes, Andy," said the Blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked "How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer ?"

" Easy " said the Blonde, " Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled."

And the Blonde entered Heaven...and ...............you're singing it now, aren't you ??? ..........

[Seafood]

[Seafood]

Two old stockmen are sitting on the veranda of their outback town’s pub having a beer when they get to talking about the merits of their cattle dogs - and which was the better, more intelligent, dog. They decide to settle the matter.

The younger drover, Bluey (so named because of his red hair), says to his mate, “Watch this”. He then addresses his dog, “Jack, I’m hungry !”

Jack looks at his master briefly and then takes off. Out into the street he runs, turns right and lopes down to Mrs Jones house, into her back yard and wriggles under the chook-house fence. Jack carefully takes a hen’s egg in his mouth and heads off. Arriving back at the pub, Jack gathers some wood, a billy and some water, he lights a fire and boils the egg exactly for 2 minutes for his master. Jack takes the egg out of the water and lays it at his masters feet.

“What d’ya reckon about that ?” says the proud dog-owner, Bluey.

“Not bad”, drawls his older mate, Bruce, as he sips his beer. He turns to his dog and says softly, “Sam, I need something to eat too”.

His dog immediately runs off down the street. About 5 minutes later he is back, also carefully carrying a hen’s egg. He, too, gathers wood, boils the billy and produces a perfect two-minute cooked egg which he lays at Bruce’s feet…….and then he stands on his head.

“Perfect”, says Bluey, “Exactly the same as my dog…….. but why is he standing on his head ?”

“Oh”, says the older man, “He knows I don’t have an egg cup !”

[Seafood]

I'm not saying my parents were tight growing up, but every December we became Jehovah's Witnesses for a month.

[Seafood]

Due to freezing
conditions in the UK, the men's British Naturist
Society has seen the size of their members shrink dramatically.

[Seafood]

It’s a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up.

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.

Father Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.

Mother Bear sticks her head out the kitchen door and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?

It was Mother Bear who go up first.

It was Mother Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mother Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.

It was Mother Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper.

It was Mother Bear who set the table.

It was Mother Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food dish.

And now that you've decided to come down stairs and grace me with your presence, listen good because I'm only going to say this one more time:

I haven't made the f*cking porridge yet!"

[Seafood]

A woman who had been married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?"

The bride to be said, "A long frilly white dress with a veil."

The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?"

"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our honeymoon hotel. My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon hotel that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."

"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.

"That one was a politician," said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be -- but nothing ever happened."

[Seafood]

Two horses in a pub, one turns to the other and says, "ere that horse over there's a looker, did you ask her out?"

"Yeah I did" said his mate "but she just blushed".

"Oh well, never mind" he huffed "must be one of them shyer horses".

[Seafood]

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.

As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.

He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car or were they trying to steal it?

'Heavens no, we bought it.'

'Then why don't you drive it away.'

"We can't drive.'"

"Then why did you buy it?"

'We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed ......so we're just waiting."

[Seafood]

My therapist told me to write letters to all the people who had done me wrong and throw them down a well.

i did what they said but now have no idea what to do with the letters.

[Seafood]

This 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her awhile then says, "You look ridiculous, what on earth are you doing?"

She says, "I just got my check-up and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old." She starts laughing and jumping again.

He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year-old a$#?"

She says, "Well, your name never came up."

[Seafood]

I went to the doctor today and asked what he could recommend for headaches and depression.

He said marriage.

[Seafood]

Little Johnny was puzzled as to his origin. "How did I get here, Mommy?" he asked.

His mother said, using a well-worn phrase, ...."God sent you."

"And did God send YOU, too Mommy?", asked Johnny.

"Yes, Johnny, He did.", she replied.

"And GRANDMA and GREAT-GRANDMA and DADDY, too?"

Again the answer was "Yes, Johnny, He did."

Little Johnny shook his head in disbelief. "Then you mean to tell me no one in this family has gotten laid for 200 years?!?!? Well...that explains why everyone is so damn cranky !"

[Seafood]

Came home to find all my doors had been smashed in and everything was gone...

What sort of sick dude does that to someone's advent calendar?

[Seafood]

A company posted a sign outside their office:

**Job Vacancy – Apply Within**

*Requirements:*

1. Type at least 80 words per minute.

2. Be proficient with computers.

3. Be bilingual.

Weeks passed with no applicants, until a dog strolled in, pointed to the sign, and wagged its tail eagerly.

The manager, baffled, said, “I admire your enthusiasm, but you’re not qualified. You need to type 80 words per minute, and, well… paws aren’t great for typing.”

Without hesitation, the dog jumped onto a stool, typed over 100 words in under a minute, and hopped back down.

Stunned, the manager stammered, “Impressive, but you also need to be good with computers.”

The dog grabbed a keyboard, hacked into the building’s system, and shut down every security camera with ease.

Flabbergasted, the manager muttered, “Alright, but the final requirement is being bilingual.”

The dog stared him down, then confidently replied, “Meow.”

[Seafood]

A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison."

And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles and says, "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time, the bride says, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!" The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again.

The bride again says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again," to which the husband yelled, "Hey, it's not a life sentence!!!"

[Seafood]

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

 

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

 

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

 

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

 

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."

 

He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

 

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

 

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just jumped with my back pack."

[Seafood]

"I ain't ready to get married," Sam Rush told his buddy, Joe.

"But, when I do, I want a gal who's an economist in the kitchen, a sweet lady when we've got company and a fireball in the bedroom."

Well, time passed and Sam did get married. One day he again ran into Joe.

"How's life with you, Sam?" Joe asked.

"Fine and dandy, Joe. I did get myself hitched."

"Great! And is she just like the gal you described to me ?"

"Not exactly. I sure enough did get all the qualities in my wife that I wanted. But they came a little bit mixed. Jenny's a fireball in the kitchen, a sweet lady when we've got company, but she's an economist in the bedroom."

[Seafood]

A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar following an interfaith meeting.

The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team."

The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team."

To which the Mormon replied, "You fellas ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives.

One more and I'll have a golf course."

[Seafood]

Three good ole boys died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The cowboy from Texas fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The logger from Minnesota reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The old farmer from Ohio started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The Buckeye replied, 'These are Carols.'
And So The Christmas Season
Begins

[Seafood]

A lady was standing on a street corner waiting for a bus when she happened to notice a weight machine. She fumbled through her purse for a dime and went over to the machine and inserted the coin.

Out came a card that said "You weigh 126 pounds. and in 30 seconds you will pass gas". Sure enough, after 30 seconds, she passed wind. Astonished that the machine was correct, she found another dime and returned to the weight machine.

After inserting the coin, out popped another card that read "you still weigh 126 pounds and in 30 seconds, you will be ravished" Again, after 30 seconds, 2 men came out of an alley, dragged her back into the alley and attacked her.

Afterwards, fumbling through her purse, she managed to find another dime. She dragged herself over to the weight machine and put in her last dime. Again a little card popped out that said, "you still weigh 126 pounds, and while you were farting and fooling around, you missed your bus".