LET THE HEALING BEGIN

[humble3d]

LET THE HEALING BEGIN
 
The profound experience of grief is neither a disease nor a disorder. It has
more in common with the body's response to an injury. Were used to
thinking of grief as an overwhelming burden of anguish and sadness.

Of course, there is great pain, but in a larger sense, grief is the way the psyche heals

itself.

When you break an arm or a leg there is an organized and
predictable series of cellular reactions that you recognize as healing.

 

This is also true at a psychological level; the loss of a loved one is experienced as a

wound to the fabric of our being. Loss also initiates a healing process.

 

It is this process that enables those of us who have lost a loved one to live
anew and to reestablish the balance and continuity of our life.
 

Grief is a time when every aspect of the relationship with a loved one is
felt, examined, and reexamined including experiences, hopes, feelings,
thoughts, and memories.

While in one sense bereavement lasts for a number
of months or years, in another sense it initiates a transformation that has
no end.

 

At unexpected moments, ripples of remembrance and sorrow will
surface for the rest of our life. It may not seem like it, and it certainly doesnt
feel like it, but the pain of grieving is as much an integral part of our natural
life experience as the pleasure and joy of loving. The risk of love is loss,
and the price of loss is grief.
 

There is unending variation in the way people respond to bereavement.
 

These responses cannot be plotted in a series of neatly defined steps, nor
is the progression from the time of loss to the resolution of bereavement
likely to travel in a straight line. Rather, grief involves a succession of re-
sponses that fade into and replace one another.

 

Though confusing in many ways, bereavement has its own internal logic. Even its most

painful aspects serve a purpose. Each path of grief will take a unique course, yet there

are certain signposts of bereavement common to all those who pass along this road.

Grief is not a static state of being; it is a journey, an ever-changing
process.
 

SHOCK, NUMBNESS, AND DISBELIEF

It doesnt seem to matter whether the loss was anticipated or not; the first
response is profound shock. The bereaved may cry out, feeling as if theyve
received a physical blow. Just as the body goes into shock after a serious
injury, the mind and spirit go into shock when confronted with a severe
emotional jolt. This sensation is rapidly followed by disbelief and numbness.

Emily Dickinson called it the hour of lead.
 
For the bereaved, it just doesnt seem possible that a person who has
meant so much will no longer be part of their life, so the first and natural
reaction is to doubt or deny the death itself. Sometimes, for brief periods,
this effort even succeeds. Those in grief frequently find themselves saying,
There must be some mistake, or Its just not true. This denial phase is critical;

its an unconscious way of preventing emotional overload. It helps the be-
reaved face the loss bit by bit as they gather their inner resources and outer supports.

 
A sensation of numbness often occurs at the same time. Again, this is an
unconsciously intelligent response. It doesnt mean that those in grief are
cold or unfeeling; rather, it is natures way of sheltering them as it exposes
them gradually to the harsh reality of their loss.

 

Numbness tempers the chill and softens the sadness to the point where these feelings

can be en- dured. It does this by raising the bereaveds threshold against recognition of

reality and muting the full emotional impact of the loss.
 

The numbness is also a buffer that makes it possible to do what must be
done in the immediate aftermath of a great personal loss: making arrange-
ments, taking care of daily needs, getting through the funeral or memorial
service. Some people are so protected by this sensation that they manage
to cope with stunning efficiency, apparently disconnected from the explo-
sion of pain deep inside.

 

Although they may experience the numbness as
a sense of unreality and a feeling of emotional distance from other people,
it actually temporarily supports them. This period may last from a few
days to a few weeks, with alternating times of normal behavior and
moments of despair and anguish as the full reality of the loss briefly penet-
rates into their consciousness. Inability to think clearly, restlessness, and
confusion may accompany these times.

 
During this phase of disbelief and numbness the bereaved may seem
relatively unaffected, even surprisingly accepting of the loss. The key word
is seem. As a condoler, you need to understand that this behavior is one
natural face of grief in the early stages. Over the next few weeks, as waves
of emotional turmoil surface, a more recognizable manifestation of grief is
likely to emerge. Numbness is replaced by a roller coaster of emotions.

 

Time and talk and tears are the bereaveds allies.

 
In subtle forms, denial and numbness often return intermittently for
months and may manifest themselves in very disconcerting ways.
 

Emily Dickinson captures this phenomenon most poetically:

The distance that the dead have gone
Does not at first appear
Their coming back seems possible
For many an ardent year.

 
The bereaved may see their loved one in a crowd only to draw near
and find a stranger. They may hear the sound of the deceaseds footsteps
or even their voice or find themselves setting an extra place at the dinner
table. Such experiences are fleeting glimpses of the minds desire to deny
reality.

Death is acknowledged first by the mind and only later fully accep-
ted by the heart. C. S. Lewis wrote about this unique frustration in his book,
A Grief Observed (1961), an eloquent journal written following the death of
his wife: I think I am beginning to understand why grief feels like suspense.
It comes from the frustration of so many impulses that had become habitu-
al. Now their target is gone. I keep on, through habit, fitting an arrow to
the string; then I remember and I have to lay the bow down. So many
roads once; now so many culs-de-sac.

 
EXPERIENCING THE PAIN

 
When William Butler Yeats wrote, Things fall apart, the center cannot
hold, he wasnt speaking of the second phase of grief, but the line aptly
describes the sense of chaos that prevails when numbness starts to fade.
Its when grief reaches the heart that the real pain begins. Within hours to
days after the death, this second phase is felt.

 

The numbness may linger,but the reality of the loss begins, more and more, to manifest

itself in the outward signs of inner grief. Disbelief eventually gives way to belief;

numbness gives way to feeling.

This natural progression pushes the be-

reaved forward into painful sensations and reality. The bubbling cauldron
of emotions that has been held in check begins to boil over, some
imes with frightening intensity. For many in grief it seems nearly im-
possible to keep things in control.

Shakespeare wrote, Our griefs, not our manners, reason now.
 

Anguish and suffering may now affect all aspects of the bereaveds life,
from emotional swings to physical problems, from confused thinking to
what seem to be strange changes in behavior.

Its as if the ground, once so familiar, is no longer there to support the bereavedin part

because those  things that were most meaningful when the deceased were alive often

become the most painful now that they are gone.
 

Perhaps the most unique features of grief are pining and searching.

Pining is the compelling and soulful longing for the deceased.

Searching is the
powerful unconscious urge to find a lost love. Both are experienced in
such uncanny ways that the edges of the bereaveds contact with reality
may temporarily blur. The mourners yearn to re-create, to recover their
loved one, while knowing, intellectually at least, that the yearning is futile.
For most, this puzzling experience is disorienting, even maddening, and
there will be moments when the grieving persons inner wish to deny
reality is stronger than their acceptance. At times their loved one may seem
everywhere palpable. Familiar surroundings yield unending reminders
and trigger misperceptions that are a natural part of this phenomenon.
Your bereaved friends may see their lost loved one in the faces of others
or hear the deceased, either by misinterpreting a spoken voice or hear-
ing the voice out of nowhere. They may sense the loved ones presence,
even feel the touch of a familiar hand.
 

Occasionally, those in mourning temporarily take on some of the traits
of their deceased loved one. For example, you may notice them repeating
a phrase the deceased often said. The bereaved may deliberately do things
that stimulate memories, like going to a special restaurant or watching a
favorite film repeatedly. On the other hand, and equally normal, dont
be surprised if the bereaveds behavior is, for a time, geared to avoiding
situations that trigger recollections. Unsettling as all these occurrences may
sometimes be, you may assure the bereaved that when these behaviors no
longer serve a useful purpose, they will disappear.
 

This second phase of grief, experiencing the pain, is not only associated
with pining and searching but has four other threads that when woven
together form the fabric of mourning. They are physical complaints, emo-
tional swings, thinking disturbances, and changes in behavior.
Physical complaints associated with distress come in waves. They include
shortness of breath, tightness in the throat, sighing, feelings of emptiness
in the stomach, a nearly overwhelming weakness, and headaches. Appetite
may diminish or even disappear for a time. Occasionally, appetite will in-
crease, particularly if eating in the past has provided emotional comfort.
Sleep may be fretful with disturbing dreams, and middle-of-the-night or
early-morning awakening can leave the bereaved feeling exhausted,
anxious, and tense. Periods of aimless, exhausted inactivity are shot through
with bursts of sharp-edged energy. The bereaved may experience the entire
spectrum of these sensations at different times.
 

These physical disturbances are often intermittent and usually clear up
naturally over the weeks and months ahead. However, if the physical
complaints are troubling or persistent, dont assume that they are the
product of grief. As a condoling friend, you might suggest that the bereaved
see their physician just to be sure.
 

Emotional swings are likely to be a part of daily life no matter how desper-
ately those in grief want to stay in control. When the numbness and disbelief
begin to give way, an unfocused anxiety can show itself in restlessness and
tension. The bereaved may feel so tense that they are unable to sit in one
spot for long. They may pace endlessly or be unable to go to sleep. This
anxiety can be unrelenting or may come and go, but in any case, four strong
emotions begin to be apparent: fear, sadness, anger, and guilt. During this
phase these feelings are intertwined in endless and often troubling patterns.
Out of anxiety may come nameless fears or moments of panic, apparently
without cause. Fear of dying or of having other loved ones suddenly die
are not uncommon. Fear of being alone or of going outside can be embarrassing
and very disabling.

All these fears come and go without warning, and its the unpredictability
thats so devastating.

 
The sadness of loss is often the most all-consuming feeling of emptiness
ever experienced. Hopelessness and helplessness spill forth at unexpected
times. It seems impossible for the bereaved to enjoy anything or anyone.
Life appears hollow and the despair seems unending.

Even those who ordinarily dont cry may now find tears flowing, and
with them may come comfort. Shakespeare, whose insights on grief are
extraordinary, wrote, Now is that noble vessel full of grief, that runs it
over even at his eyes. While sometimes anticipated, tears can be triggered
by untimely events in unlikely places. Some bereaved people report that
at isolated moments, in the shower or preparing a meal, they suddenly
find themselves crying like a helpless child. They may begin to cry while
shopping for groceries, talking to a neighbor, or in the middle of a business
meeting. Embarrassed, they may feel they owe others an apology. You
might gently remind the bereaved that grief is one situation in which the
tears of an adult are generally accepted and understood. No excuses are
needed. Of course, some adults rarely cry and even deeply felt grief may
not trigger tears in these mourners. If tears do come, encourage the bereaved
to allow them; they help the healing process.

 
Frustration, helplessness, and insecurity often lead to irritability and
anger. Anger may be rational and focused, as in a death caused by a drunk
driver, or it may seem irrational and illogical, as after a natural death. The
bereaved may strike out at family, friends, physicians, clergy, employers,
and employees, virtually anyone and everyone, including God.
There is no better evidence for the irrationality of this anger than the fact
that it is sometimes directed toward the lost loved one. But those in grief
are angry; they often feel abandoned. Such losses touch deep memories of
childhood when we were first left alone. The death of a loved one also
forces a confrontation with ones own mortality. Again anger may result.
Feelings of irritability, bitterness, hostility, and aggression are often so
surprising that the mourners may fear themselves on the verge of a
breakdown. But anger is another important part of the healing process.
Through its reasonable expression, powerful energies are released.
Guilt can also be tremendously disabling. It erodes self-esteem and evokes
self-condemnation. While pangs of guilt may be natural, its destructive to
hold on to such feelings. If guilt is not resolved, the healing cannot be
completed.
 

Initially, the bereaved may feel guilty because they seem unable to cope
as well as they think they should in the aftermath of the death. Or guilt
may be experienced in response to feelings of anger toward their loved
one for dying. It may also arise upon recognition of unconscious death
wishes they may have felt toward the deceased, as in the case of a long ill-
ness. Surprisingly, the pain of guilt is also a natural response when those
who have traveled the long path of grief first begin to feel happy again.
Theres another kind of guilt that arises out of the very normal ambival-
ence that is present even in the deepest love relationships. In Necessary
Losses, Judith Viorst says, We saw them as less than perfect and we loved
them less than perfectly. After the death of a loved one, the bereaved may
dwell on areas of regret such as, I should have been more understanding
and the infamous If only. Theres always some nasty word that cant
be forgotten, some fight that can never be made up. Quarrels or episodes
of selfishness are recalled through the pain of guilt.
 

Amazingly enough, all these emotions, often so difficult in the experien-
cing, are effective and practical responses to loss. They serve to ensure the
survival of the bereaved by assisting in the process of readjustment. From
this perspective, we can see that anxiety serves to mobilize energy for the
tasks at hand. The four emotions that followfear, sadness, anger, and
guilthave important functions, too. Fear of being alone is one of the motivating
factors behind recommitment to relationships with others.
 

And it is during the painful emotion of sadness that those in grief
are most likely to redefine their priorities, goals, and sense of purpose.
Guilt is directed toward oneself and anger is directed toward others, but
both have similar functions. Each provokes the bereaved to reassess their
sense of fairness and justice.
 

The emotional roller coaster is one thing; lapses in clear thinking are anoth-
er. The bereaved may be disconcerted by poor concentration, slowness in
thinking, and problems with memory. This last area ranges from simple
day-to-day forgetfulness to losing ones train of thought or encountering
memory blocks. The most terrifying notion, of course, is the fear of forget-
ting the deceased. We guarantee it wont happen. Grieving has no perman-
ent effect on memory. However, if youre close to the bereaved, you may
want to caution them against making impulsive decisions. If there are
major choices to be made early in grief, its wise to wait to finalize them.
Bereavement is also associated with changes in behavior that encompass
both relationships with others and day-to-day activities. Usual health habits,
housekeeping chores, and work routines may be in disarray. To those in
grief, the simplest activities such as paying bills and running errands often
feel like major burdens for a while. They may wander about the house
aimlessly, picking up things and putting them down, or just staring into
space. Periods of despair may cause them to throw caution to the wind in
an effort to put off painful sensations. You may observe them compromising
their health with excessive drinking and poor eating and hygiene habits.
A few may be prone to take foolish risks such as reckless driving, spending
money inappropriately, or giving away precious possessions indiscrimin-
ately.
 

Imagine how all these changes might affect ones sense of self. You may
provide enormous comfort by assuring and reassuring the bereaved that
feelings of falling apart are not at all uncommon for those experiencing
profound loss. By now this must seem like an unending refrain, but its
true:

These sensations are natural, they serve a purpose, and they will subside
in time.
 
RESOLUTION AND ACCEPTANCE

 
Theres a tendency among many well-meaning people to expect those in
grief to work through their sorrow in a period of weeks, but there is no
timetable for this extraordinary process. The human heart does not obey
the rules of logic. Each of us is unique, has diverse inner resources, and
heals at a different rate. Throughout their days the bereaved are likely to
experience moments of grief prompted by things as simple as a remembered
ritual, a much-loved item of clothing, a face, an anniversary, a familiar
scene. The raw pain of loss will emerge as a reminder of the time that once
was.

 
Although most bereaved are able to resume their daily routine with rel-
atively normal functioning in a few weeks or months, it often takes much
longer before they truly begin to turn to the future and make some peace
with the past. Life may still be strongly influenced by loss a year and a half
to three years later, when the final phase of healing resolves.
One of the greatest barriers to healing is the understandable fact that
many people try to avoid the intense distress connected with the grief ex-
perience and to avoid the expression of emotions associated with it. Allow-
ing the anguish of baseless guilt, objectless rage, disabling loneliness, and
fears of madness is a challenge for even the most stable. However, as grief
gradually loses its potency, the pain and struggle diminish. No longer
something to be contained, grief is usually, if surprisingly, transformed
into something that can be appreciated as part of the totality of lifes exper-
ience.

 
Deep grief is so universal and painful a phenomenon that we repeatedly
forget how wondrous a healing process it is. Its duration seems in great
part to depend on the success with which the bereaved allow the suffering,
that is, does the grief work. But at some point, a turn in the road will be
felt. It may be the first laugh or the moment the bereaved realize
that theyre beginning to think about those who have faced similar heart-
breaks.
 

There are five primary goals or tasks in the grief process. Although these
are interwoven and not necessarily accomplished sequentially, well talk
about them one by one.
 

First: Accepting the finality of the loss. It may seem simple, but it is a highly
complex process. The urge to deny is so powerful that it often blurs the
harshness of reality. Addressing this issue in his book Grief Counseling and
Grief Therapy, J. William Worden says Part of the acceptance of reality is
to come to the belief that reunion is impossible, at least in this life (p. 11).
The mind can accept things long before the heart, so its easy for the be-
reaved to believe that acceptance has occurred, when in fact the realization
has only just begun to touch the core of their being. Acceptance is gradual
and comes in waves; denial is ready and waiting as a friend to help protect
the mourner from emotional overload.
 

Second: Accepting the painful thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that are so much
a part of mourning. As hard as it is, the bereaved need to allow the pain and
anguish of their suffering to take place. Healing is hampered by resisting
the process and suppressing natural expressions of grief. Rather than
fighting these emotional tides, the bereaved will be best served if they allow
themselves to be washed by the waves of sadness. Its as if they are standing
at the waters edge, bracing themselves for the onslaught of an engulfing
wave. A little give in the knees is needed. Pushing away at the waves wont
help.

 
Third: Redirecting the loving energy once focused on the lost relationship. With
the death of a loved one, an immense void opens. In order to fill that void,
the mourners must first let go, and then reclaim the energy that once bound
them to the loved one. Finally, the bereaved will be able to reorient this
loving energy toward new relationships. It is not easy. Some find the letting
go so painful that they promise themselves never to love again. In addition,
many in grief experience some guilt and shame when they first become
aware that they are feeling affection for someone new. Others recovering from grief are
afraid that in reclaiming a place for themselves in the world they dishonor
the memory of their past relationship. Healing involves recognizing that
those in grief honor both themselves and their loved ones by living fully
once again.
 

Fourth: Reviewing and crystallizing memories of the deceased loved one. Loss
precipitates remembrance. The death of a loved one breaks a psychological
dam. Early in grief, images, events, situations, bits of conversation, and
fragments of feelings flood the bereaveds mind. Initially, this deluge of
memories may seem overwhelming. Whenever we feel out of control, fear
and helplessness surface. Throughout the process of grief, aspects of this
review return. Its not only that certain things bring loss to mind; its that
there are times when nearly everything the bereaved hear, see, taste, touch,
and recall causes them to dwell on their loss. It is painful, but again, its
important since the mind searches the past in an effort to make sense of
the experience. Through this part of the healing process, those in grief come
to better understand the nature of their relationship and what exactly it
was that was lost.

 
Typically, the initial mental images are beautiful ones, devoid of negative
or undesirable features. These act as healing buffers and serve to cushion
feelings of regret, guilt, and anger at a time when the bereaved have little
ability to cope. In the natural progression of healing, this review eventually
becomes more realistic and balanced, containing both positive and negative
recollections. Gradually, an image of life with the deceased is created. In
a sense, the bereaved are consciously and unconsciously choosing photo-
graphs for a very personal internal souvenir album. Theirs will not be the
only memories to find their way into this cherished collection. Condolers
can add by sharing their memories of the deceased.
 

Fifth: Selecting memories to incorporate into the fabric of the bereaveds life. Its
like weaving a silver thread into a silk cloth;

the thread is so fine and the crafting is so beautifully done that one scarcely
sees it. Strangely, one may unite with their loved one in death in a way
that is rarely possible in life. Remembrance is a form of meeting, says
the poet Gibran.

 
No one who has suffered a profound loss will ever be the same. The be-
reaved may become a different self or even a better self, but they will never
regain their previous identity. Through the process of remembering, reex-
periencing, and integrating, those in grief are transformed. Emergence from
the loss of a close loved one involves a panoramic adaptation including
changes in behavior, self-perception, and expectations.
 

The bereaved show clear indications when the healing work is done: the
ability to remember, without anguish, both the joys and the disappointments
of the lost relationship; a wholehearted return to regular activities; and the
reorienting of energies to ones new life. There will probably be a fragrance
of sorrow when the bereaved thinks of the deceased, but the sorrow will
have a different quality, more like a tender longing than a hole in ones
heart. A time will arrive when the notion of getting through the day
ceases. As one bereaved woman wrote to a friend quoting Albert Camus,
In the midst of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible
summer.
 

Why does the death of someone we care about hurt so much? One of the
great paradoxes of life is that in our very capacity to form bonds with others,
we carry the seeds for suffering when those relationships are over.
From the time we are young and our first friend moves away, we begin
to recognize that loss is part of living. As social beings, our very existence
depends on attachment to others. Yet, every human relationship is destined
to end in loss. Endings are the price paid for having beginnings and, except
for the loss of ones own life, the death of a loved one is the ultimate loss.
 

You may Think of your loved one
As someone whose work is done,
Whose troubles are now past,
Entering gladly
Through that friendly door
To Home at last.
 
To every thing there is a season, and a
time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up
that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance.
ECCLESIASTES 3:1-4
 
One day at a time...
Forgive and forget...
Let go--Let God.
 
More Features below:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qfeh1qi8hyM&feature=related
 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uZr3BQLsrlE&feature=related
 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uYlgvsUsANk
 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3GjxlguPYo0&feature=related