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Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners? So brunettes can remember them.

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Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”

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Small son sitting on Daddy’s lap: “I’m still confused. Was I born in a nest or a hive?”

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What do you call a mobster who’s buried in cement? A hardened criminal.

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What do you need in order to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A large fortune.

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If you take $2 out of an ATM that has a $2.50 fee, do you owe the machine money?

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How can you tell you’re getting old? When you go to an antique auction and three people bid on you.

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What do you call a mobster who’s buried in cement? A hardened criminal.

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Why don't eggs tell jokes?

Because they might crack up!

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Why don’t pirates take a shower before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.

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Why aren’t dogs good dancers? Because they have two left feet.

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Why did the hairdresser win the race?
He knew a shortcut.
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What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.

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What is a seven course Irish dinner?
A six-pack and a potato.

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What's the similarity between a camera and a condom?
They're both used to catch those special moments!
 
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What do you call a woman who throws all her bills into the fire?
Bernadette
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What do you call a lady with just one leg?
Eileen.
What do you call a chinese lady with just one leg?
Irene.
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How do you make an Irishman cry?

Say "last call."

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What's the hardest part of telling your son he's adopted?
For me it was learning Chinese.

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Q: What do wives and hand grenades have in common?
A: When you pull the ring, your house is gone.

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What do you call a man with no arms or legs playing the piano.......
clever d*ck

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Did you hear about the guy who ran naked through a crowded church?


They caught him by the organ.

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What do you call a snowman with a sunburn?
... Puddles!

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I was out walking in the woods today.A bloke with binoculars asked me "Whats the difference between a crow and a blackbird?"
I said "Crows are blacker,have heavier beaks and a fan like tail, and a blackbird has thick lips,fuzzy hair and a massive ar*e."
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What do you call an Englishman in the knockout stages of a World Cup? A referee.

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