Koolkat’s Quips - funny One-Liners

[Seafood]

I went to a Fancy Dress party dressed as a Giraffe. I didn’t win a prize, but left with my head held high.

[Seafood]

I raised the alarm at work today......

The midgets were f***ing furious.

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I got stopped by the cops last night and the copper asked if I'd been drinking.

"Don't be daft" I replied, "I can't afford alcohol AND petrol!!"

[Seafood]

Would you believe it? My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 in the morning. Lucky I was still up playing the bagpipes

[Seafood]

There is a rich man from the middle east going around and buying up all the chip shops in the UK. His name is Sultan Vinegar

[Seafood]

A lesbian made love to 30 women in one night,an hour later she colapsed and died.A post mortem revealed she died after overdosing on crack

[Seafood]

Moses went to Mount Olive...so Popeye hit him

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Just got the sack from the Horlicks factory i was a taster, yer they found me awake on the job,

 

[Seafood]

I went to the doctor today and asked what he could recommend for headaches and depression.

He said marriage.

 

[Seafood]

I gave my sister away at her wedding.
I stood up and shouted "SHE USED TO BE A MAN"

[Seafood]

The Vicar said Carol Singing Season starts today..
I had no idea you could hunt them.

[Seafood]

I'll be posting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that was me!

[Seafood]

My builder is such a nice man. I forgot to pay him and he still offered to come and put my windows in!

[Seafood]

Research has shown that 2 minutes of laughing have the same health benefits as 20 minutes of running.

Here I am at the park, laughing at the runners.

 

[Seafood]

You gotta hand it to short people.

Because they can't reach it on their own.

[Seafood]

My girlfriend has started using wireless bras.
It was hard to get off before, now I need a password!

[Seafood]

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. Cruising along, they came to an intersection.

The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought, "I must be losing my mind. I swear we just went through a red light."

A few minutes later, they came to another intersection, and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. This time, the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was mistaken.

She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the next intersection to see

what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red, and yet they went right through. She turned to the woman driving and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a

row! You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

[Seafood]

An old Irishman was asked, "At your ripe age, what would you prefer to get – Parkinson’s Disease or Alzheimer's Disease?"

The Irishman answered, "Definitely Parkinson’s. Better to spill half an ounce of whiskey than to forget where you keep the bottle!"

[Seafood]

After seeing an item on the One Show where stars go back to the home they once lived. I went by the house where I grew up and asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face...

My parents can be so rude!