Koolkat’s Quips - funny One-Liners

[Seafood]

I went to a Fancy Dress party dressed as a Giraffe. I didn’t win a prize, but left with my head held high.

[Seafood]

I raised the alarm at work today......

The midgets were f***ing furious.

[Seafood]

I got stopped by the cops last night and the copper asked if I'd been drinking.

"Don't be daft" I replied, "I can't afford alcohol AND petrol!!"

[Seafood]

Would you believe it? My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 in the morning. Lucky I was still up playing the bagpipes

[Seafood]

There is a rich man from the middle east going around and buying up all the chip shops in the UK. His name is Sultan Vinegar

[Seafood]

A lesbian made love to 30 women in one night,an hour later she colapsed and died.A post mortem revealed she died after overdosing on crack

[Seafood]

Moses went to Mount Olive...so Popeye hit him

[Seafood]

Just got the sack from the Horlicks factory i was a taster, yer they found me awake on the job,

 

[Seafood]

I went to the doctor today and asked what he could recommend for headaches and depression.

He said marriage.

 

[Seafood]

I gave my sister away at her wedding.
I stood up and shouted "SHE USED TO BE A MAN"

[Seafood]

The Vicar said Carol Singing Season starts today..
I had no idea you could hunt them.

[Seafood]

I'll be posting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that was me!

[Seafood]

My builder is such a nice man. I forgot to pay him and he still offered to come and put my windows in!

[Seafood]

Research has shown that 2 minutes of laughing have the same health benefits as 20 minutes of running.

Here I am at the park, laughing at the runners.

 

[Seafood]

You gotta hand it to short people.

Because they can't reach it on their own.