Koolkat’s Quips - funny One-Liners

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One of the oddities of Wall Street is that the dealer, not the customer, is the broker.

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Two men walk into a bar. You’d think at least one of them would have ducked.

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Conscience: the small voice that makes you feel smaller.

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I used to believe that all things must pass—until I got stuck behind a school bus.

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"Woo Wooo,,My love life is on the Up
Yer someone just touched me with a Barge Poll,

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My career is in ruins.
I love being an archaeologist.

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The doctor told me that I need to eat more greens..

So I have decided to switch over to mint chocolate chip ice cream ..

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God created the orgasm so that women can moan even when they are happy!!

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I had a friend who was addicted to mud-wrestling.
He's been clean for 6 years now.

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My wife got confused and went to see a tree surgeon instead of a plastic surgeon.

Mind you, she does have a great bush now.

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I think I need to lose a little weight.. I tried to sit up in bed this morning and ended up rocking myself back to sleep .

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My new girlfriend got upset because she thinks that I don’t like her cooking...
to prove her wrong, I had another slice of gravy!

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I've asked my girlfriend to polish my medieval battle uniform while I go to the pub.

She always said she wanted a night in, shining armour!

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I saw my neighbour stealing my socks off my washing line. I was going to confront him but I got cold feet!

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I'm dating a Radiologist.
God knows what she sees in me.

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Finally found something today my ex looks good in.

The distance.

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Had a ploughman's lunch yesterday.
He was fucing furious.

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Firemen have just rescued an Irish man with his p*n*s stuck in a condom machine.

They asked him what happened and he said, 'the sign says 'Insert £2 and push knob in'.

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Well thats another job i didnt get, them questions were hard. Whats the rear of the cafeteria called, i thought it was bacteria!

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I'm always being told that the world does not revolve around me.

I know that, it revolves around the sun, which shines out of my a$#.

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Wow i think my act went down well in the club i danced and sang Songs by Sam Cooke, Marvyn Gaye, Stevie Wonder & James Brown and i heard them shouting Tony You are soul

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I dropped a tenner today and chased it for miles.

I never caught it but at least l had a good run for my money.

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Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today...

They left a little note, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

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Jokes about German sausages are the Wurst.