Koolkat’s Quips - funny One-Liners

[Seafood]

I'M NOT CONVINCED OF THE POPULARITY OF ADVENT CALENDARS... I THINK THEIR DAYS ARE NUMBERED!

[Seafood]

I went to the doctors yesterday and I asked my GP, "what's the best cure for double vision?"

He turned to me and smiled, "Shut one eye."

[Seafood]

Roses are red, violets are pricey, Free flowers from a accident black spot?
That do nicely!!

[Seafood]

You don't see faith healers healing the sick in hospitals for the same reason you never hear about Psychics winning the lottery..

[Seafood]

If you're British going into the bathroom, and British coming out of the bathroom, what are you in the bathroom.

.....European.

[Seafood]

My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.

[Seafood]

You know you’re in a cheap motel when you call the desk “I gotta leak in the sink “ and they say “go ahead”

[Seafood]

Just been given some really bad news

My best mate just drank a whole bottle of invisible ink ..

He's currently in A + E waiting to be seen!!.

[Seafood]

Petrol prices hit an all-time low today,
I drove off without paying.

[Seafood]

Why did they call it the Covid road map and not the road to demask us?

[Seafood]

 

Trading Standards have warned consumers that fake vodka can kill them.

 

As opposed to the perfectly healthy normal vodka.

[Seafood]

If you want a quick test result,
Go and watch an England v Australia cricket match!!..

[Seafood]

Drinking at home instead of the pub isn't working out?
I almost asked my wife for her phone number!!..

[Seafood]

Dry January is dragging on a bit!!..

[Seafood]

Word of advice:
Never do a runner from a Kenyan restaurant!

[Seafood]

I brought a tin of evaporated milk opened it it was empty

[Seafood]

A blind man passes a Fishmongers and says "evening ladies!"

[Seafood]

Been put down for a BRAVERY AWARD..
Just answered the wife back!

[MMT]

When I was a lad everybody in our street had head lice. We really were a close nit community.

[MMT]

Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.

[MMT]

Most people write Congrats on a tweet because they don't know how to spell congratjulashuns.

[MMT]

My wife didn't order anything on Amazon yesterday so the UPS driver knocked on our door to see if we were OK.

[Seafood]

I went to see a dentist with a rotten tooth. "You should get that fixed mate," I said, "Doesn't exactly inspire confidence."

 

 

[Seafood]

The big difference between men and women?
Women want one man to do many things.
Men want many women to do one thing.

[Seafood]

After being diagnosed with a multiple personality disorder, I phoned my boss to tell him I'd need time off.

"You're self-employed, you stupid b*st*rd," I said.