Seafood Posted April 4 Share #951 Posted April 4 Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work. Link to comment
Seafood Posted April 5 Share #952 Posted April 5 I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification. Link to comment
Seafood Posted April 6 Share #953 Posted April 6 I just got a paper cut opening a box of Pop Tarts. There will be no more fancy breakfasts around here. Link to comment
Seafood Posted April 7 Share #954 Posted April 7 My birthday suit doesn't fit me anymore. Link to comment
Seafood Posted April 8 Share #955 Posted April 8 The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again. Link to comment
Seafood Posted April 9 Share #956 Posted April 9 An old Irishman once told me the earth has 71% water and none of it is carbonated.... Therefore the earth is flat ?? Link to comment
Seafood Posted April 10 Share #957 Posted April 10 I don't quite get women who have like 15 bridesmaids. I don't even like 15 people Link to comment
Seafood Posted April 11 Share #958 Posted April 11 The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish. Link to comment
Seafood Posted April 12 Share #959 Posted April 12 Our Dad threw us in the canal to learn us to swim, the hardest part was getting out of the sack Link to comment
Seafood Posted April 13 Share #960 Posted April 13 Studies find top 3 most stressful moments in people's lives: death, divorce, and properly pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce". Link to comment
Seafood Posted April 14 Share #961 Posted April 14 The relationship between a husband and wife is psychological.. One is psycho the other is logical Link to comment
Seafood Posted April 15 Share #962 Posted April 15 Elevator music bothers me on many levels. Link to comment
Seafood Posted April 16 Share #963 Posted April 16 Although I can still party like an absolute rock star, it would appear that I cannot recover like one. Link to comment
Seafood Posted April 17 Share #964 Posted April 17 I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later. Link to comment
Seafood Posted April 18 Share #965 Posted April 18 My grandson just flicked a booger & now it's hanging from my wife's forehead. I'd tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials. Link to comment
Seafood Posted April 20 Share #966 Posted April 20 Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she "forgot" her wallet. Link to comment
Seafood Posted April 21 Share #967 Posted April 21 I am at the age where an all nighter means you don't have to get up to pee Link to comment
Seafood Posted April 22 Share #968 Posted April 22 Being famous on social media is like being rich in Monopoly. Link to comment
Seafood Posted April 23 Share #969 Posted April 23 Going to a bar where "everybody knows your name" sounds terrifying. Link to comment
Seafood Posted April 24 Share #970 Posted April 24 It’s called a joke, we used to tell them before people got drunk on soymilk. Link to comment
Seafood Posted April 25 Share #971 Posted April 25 I was taking the motorway out of London the other day. A policeman pulled me over and said: 'Put it back'. Link to comment
Seafood Posted Friday at 07:26 PM Share #972 Posted Friday at 07:26 PM I'm from a generation that wouldn't dare tell an adult that we were bored. Link to comment
Seafood Posted Saturday at 08:17 PM Share #973 Posted Saturday at 08:17 PM I've written a book on how to cut onions. Read it and weep. Link to comment
Seafood Posted Sunday at 02:11 PM Share #974 Posted Sunday at 02:11 PM Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute. Link to comment
Seafood Posted Monday at 07:55 PM Share #975 Posted Monday at 07:55 PM I don't buy that everyone thinks their kid is cute. There has to be a few that look at that new baby & think, "hell. He better be funny." Link to comment
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