Koolkat’s Quips - funny One-Liners

[Seafood]

Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.

[Seafood]

I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.

 

 

[Seafood]

I just got a paper cut opening a box of Pop Tarts. There will be no more fancy breakfasts around here.

[Seafood]

My birthday suit doesn't fit me anymore.

[Seafood]

The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.

[Seafood]

An old Irishman once told me the earth has 71% water and none of it is carbonated.... Therefore the earth is flat ??

[Seafood]

I don't quite get women who have like 15 bridesmaids. I don't even like 15 people

[Seafood]

The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.

 

 

[Seafood]

Our Dad threw us in the canal to learn us to swim, the hardest part was getting out of the sack

[Seafood]

Studies find top 3 most stressful moments in people's lives: death, divorce, and properly pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce".

 

[Seafood]

The relationship between a husband and wife is psychological..

One is psycho the other is logical

[Seafood]

Elevator music bothers me on many levels.

[Seafood]

Although I can still party like an absolute rock star, it would appear that I cannot recover like one.

 

 

[Seafood]

I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.

[Seafood]

My grandson just flicked a booger & now it's hanging from my wife's forehead. I'd tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.

[Seafood]

Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she "forgot" her wallet.

[Seafood]

I am at the age where an all nighter means you don't have to get up to pee

[Seafood]

Being famous on social media is like being rich in Monopoly.

[Seafood]

Going to a bar where "everybody knows your name" sounds terrifying.

[Seafood]

It’s called a joke, we used to tell them before people got drunk on soymilk.

[Seafood]

I was taking the motorway out of London the other day.

A policeman pulled me over and said: 'Put it back'.

[Seafood]

I'm from a generation that wouldn't dare tell an adult that we were bored.

[Seafood]

I've written a book on how to cut onions.
Read it and weep.

[Seafood]

Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.

[Seafood]

I don't buy that everyone thinks their kid is cute. There has to be a few that look at that new baby & think, "hell. He better be funny."