Koolkat’s Quips - funny One-Liners

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In war it does not matter who is right, but who is left

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Hertz has had enough of them now citing that the repair costs of fixing them is so astronomical and isn’t worth the effort !!

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You know when you're getting old when your feet hurt, before you get out of bed

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4 months ago i sent my hearing aids in for repair... I've heard nothing since

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I once sang with Tom Jones .
He was on the radio, I was on the toilet.

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Anger can be an expensive luxury

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My Japanese neighbour Mr Chow Mein told me he was a kamikaze pilot in the war,,I said hold on well how are you still alive,He said i was Chicken Chow Mein,

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Grandad came in rubbing his ankle earlier.

"Is it the arthritis again grandad?"I asked.

"No" he replied, "The little sh*t next door has just kicked me in the bollocks."

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Anger can be an expensive luxury

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If your lover is overweight,then get them to walk 3 miles in the morning and 3 miles in the evening.

By the end of the week the fat fooker should be 42 miles away.

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Spoiler-free zone: If you're not intrigued by the title 'Guy films Audi delivery,' you might be missing out on a cinematic masterpiece.

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I found that I have been happier since I changed from coffee to orange juice. My doctor explained that it's the vitamin C and natural sugar but I really think it's the Vodka.

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I hear Harrison Ford only has one testicle.
Or "Hang Solo" as he likes to call it....

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Police have confirmed that the man who fell from the roof of a nightclub and died was not a bouncer

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Women always worry about things that men forget ; Men always worry about things women remember..

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The bloke next door wears boxing gloves when hoovering and started calling himself
Dyson Fury

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It's Leap Day so I leaped on the wife. The doctor says I have no broken bones, just sprains.

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My Jewish mate Amos is living with a girl with tourettes,,To be honest i dont know what he sees in her,,,But then i saw the swear jar,,,

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If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?

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I'm not a great fan of innuendos,
however I do like to slip one in now and again

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My Uncle kept referring to his wife as his little French pastry. She wasn't very happy about it. In fact, she was a cross aunt.

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Just bought a flat pack wardrobe off Bonny Tyler,,My sister said whats it like ?

I said,,,,,,Every now and then it falls apart,,,

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The only time my education was interrupted was when I was in school

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The secret of success is to offend the greatest number of people

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If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would get done