Koolkat’s Quips - funny One-Liners

[Seafood]

If I had spoken to my parents the way kids do nowadays, I wouldn’t be here to post this...

[Seafood]

When i was in middle school, My English teacher assigned an essay: "What is courage?" I received an A+ for turning in a blank page with only my name at the top.

[Seafood]

My missus is a real good looker.....no matter where i hide me money,she always finds it....

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If bed bugs live in beds and grass hoppers live in grass where do cockroaches live?

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The renter found something creepy the landlord was hiding? My money is on a collection of porcelain dolls that stare into your soul.

[Seafood]

Better to light a candle than curse the darkness

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My mate, got a job in the circus after being out of work for years, as a human cannonball. he was fired on the first day

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Wife - "Do that scene from The Full Monty for me."

Me - "Sure!" (Starts to strip seductively)

Wife - "No. Get down the bleeding job centre"

[Seafood]

When I was younger a double jab was a boxing move and going shopping in a mask was something you did during armed robbery.

[Seafood]

That on line quiz is fixed, we lost by 1 point, we got none. The winning question was, In Greek mythology who was half man and half beast? and i was dead sure it was Buffalo Bill

[Seafood]

My wife watches so many medical shows,

I can only talk to her during visiting hours.

[Seafood]

Just heard,,,There now going to put the Asylum Seekers in Pontins Holiday Camps.

Havn,t these poor people been through enough,,,

[Seafood]

The Irish train drivers are on strike now.they want a 30% pay rise and they want 2 days working from home,,

[Seafood]

Science.
Fertility is hereditary.
If your parents didn't have kids neither will you.

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Driving by myself is so tiring because I have to be the lead singer, the backup singer, dancer, drummer and etc.

[Seafood]

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BIRD AND A FLY....A bird can fly but a fly can't bird.

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I'm not saying that my prostate examiner has the fattest index finger I've ever seen, but it's definitely up there.

[Seafood]

I went into a shop in the East End called Cockney Butchers, the lady behind the counter said, "Fancy a ham shank love"? How was I to know she wasn't talking rhyming slang.

[Seafood]

A farmer in Devon has successfully grown the first field of vibrators,

Sadly he now has a problem with Squatters,,,

[Seafood]

A man stopped me with a clipboard this afternoon and asked if I kept any pets.
I said I’ve got a goldfish
Any hobbies?
Well it likes swimming.

[Seafood]

ARE YOU BOTHERED BY PEOPLE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR TRYING TO SAVE YOU FROM SIN?

PLACE A LARGE PICTURE OF A VICIOUS DOG NEXT TO YOUR DOORBELL WITH A CAPTION SAYING, "I CAN MAKE IT TO THE GATE IN 3 SECONDS....CAN YOU???"

 

 

[Seafood]

I went for a rectal examination at the doctors... he gave me the thumbs up !

[Seafood]

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way

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France is a country where the money falls apart but you can't tear the toilet paper

[Seafood]

THE BEST THING GOD CAME UP WITH WAS SIN....HOW DULL WOULD LIFE BE WITHOUT IT.