Koolkat’s Quips - funny One-Liners

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I can't believe how rude the suppository helpline was.......

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After divorcing from my 20 year marriage, I started dating again and was soon using muscles I'd forgotten I had, Mainly when I laughed.

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Out Jogging i ran into a lamppost yesterday. Luckily, I only sustained light injuries.

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When I look in the mirror and see gray hair, tiny wrinkles, and dimming eyes I think, "They sure don't make mirrors like they used to.

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Always keep a picture of the mother in law on the mantle piece, keeps kids away from fire.

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I feel empty inside, like part of my soul has been torn out. Every time I think of you, I still feel the pain of how you left me.

That was one hell of a crap........

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I accidentally left an apple outside the doctor's surgery room... now he can't get in ..

 

 

 

 

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I'm not saying plastic surgery cured my anxiety
But it sure put a smile on my face

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A teacher asks her class what their favorite letter is.

A student puts up his hand and says, "G".

The teacher says, "Why is that, Angus?"

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A man tried to sell me a coffin today.

I told him that's the last thing I need!

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It’s a 4 minute walk from my house to the pub.

It’s a 45 minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering.

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I bought one of those giant TV Remotes.

I woke up this morning to find the sofa down the back of it

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Liverpool. The only place I've ever seen a baby in a pram, on bricks.

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I went in for a job interview today, and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who can be responsible".

"Well I'm your guy!" I replied,

The manager said "Why's that then?"

I smiled and said "At my old job, whenever something went wrong, they said I was always responsible."

[Seafood]

At work they say I'm nosey and always listening in to private conversations

I just wish they’d have the guts to say it to my face.

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Mr & Mrs Case are proud to announce the birth of their baby boy Justin.

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The older I get the more I regret all the people I've lost over the years. Maybe being a trail guide wasn't such a good idea after all.

 

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My 6 year old just said "Daddy, I don't like Grandma."

"That's fine, just eat your vegetables then." I replied.

 

 

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The wife completely ignores me when she watches Netflix.. I renewed my subscription for a further 10 years...

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If you pull a pin from a grenade, how do you put it back in?

Quick answers please.

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I was so unpopular at school,

my nickname was 'Battery.'

I was never included in anything…

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When i broke my cars rear view mirror, everyone said you'll have seven years bad luck. But to be honest i've never looked back

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When the clocks go Back I hope you all realise that you will have to pay for the same Hour twice on your Gas and Electric Bills!!..

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Well thats another job i didnt get, them question were hard. Whats the rear of the cafeteria called, i thought it was bacteria!

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Exercise makes you look better naked but then again so does whiskey