Koolkat’s Quips - funny One-Liners

[Seafood]

The wife's well prepared in the wake of fuel and utility cost rises. She hasn't had any energy for years.

[Seafood]

Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions?

I do.

[Seafood]

Bought a new pair of shoes yesterday, but when I went to put them on this morning I discovered there's only a single lace. Then I saw they were made in Taiwan.

[Seafood]

In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him…

[Seafood]

Has anyone else used WD40 to get rid of mice?
It doesn’t work, but it stops the squeaking.

[Seafood]

I was involved in a one-night stand that went horribly wrong....

We've been married three years now!

[koolkat]

My wife got really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction, so I packed up my stuff and right.

[koolkat]

A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

[koolkat]

A bear goes into a bar and says to the bartender, " I'll have a . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . " Bartender says, " Why the big pause? " Bear says, " I was born with them!".

[koolkat]

I yelled COW to a woman on a bike. She gave me the finger, then plowed right into the cow. I tried.

[Seafood]

I have been buying a lot of vodka recently. . .
God, I hope I'm not becoming a shopaholic“

[Seafood]

A fire hydrant has H-2-O on the inside and K-9-P on the outside.

[Seafood]

My girlfriend said she'd only marry me if I overcame my ambulance obsession...

I can’t wait to go down on one knee nor knee nor knee nor!

[Seafood]

Dating an older person is cool until they break your heart and you be like " I trusted you like a parent"

[Seafood]

I can't see an end I have no control and there is no escape
I don't have a Home anymore. I think its time I got a new keyboard!

[Seafood]

Just been to my local hospital and I saw a sign saying "Thieves Operate Here."

Surely it would be safer to leave it to the Surgeons?

[Seafood]

Two Irishmen saw the sign 'Tree fellers wanted'. The first Irishman said 'If Pat had been with us we'd have got that job'.

[Seafood]

Today I tried non-alcoholic beer.... it was like watching porn on the radio

[Seafood]

Slugs are just snails that have gone through a divorce!

 

 

[Seafood]

If your parents stopped having kids after you were born, it means one of two things. Either they achieved the perfection they were searching for or they were too scared to try again.

 

 

[Seafood]

I drank so much vodka last night that i woke up this morning with a Russian accent...

 

[Seafood]

People say gambling ruins lives but it brought our family closer together,

We now live in a bedsit.

[Seafood]

The wife wanted me to take her to Las Vegas to see the temptations,

Instead im taking her to Primark to get her Four Tops,,,

 

[Seafood]

If your eyes hurt after the first cup of tea in the morning
Take the spoon out the cup

[Seafood]

The proof of the pudding is how you feel later

The trouble with happiness is that it can't buy money

My money doesn't talk...It swears