Koolkat’s Quips - funny One-Liners

[Seafood]

A new study indicates that vegans are 43% more likely to suffer broken bones than non-vegans.

Well, they will if they keep going on and on about it...

[Seafood]

I went out with my metal detector this morning, and ended up digging a hole 16 feet deep before I remembered that I was wearing steel toe cap boots

[Seafood]

When I got in from the pub last night my wife yelled at me "I hate it when you come home half drunk!"

I said "Sorry love, I ran out of money"

[Seafood]

Have you ever thought that dogs are smarter than humans.

They understand quite a few words in English and we don't understand a single word in Bark.

 

 

[Seafood]

Well good news, I went to the Doctors today and said "I keep thinking i'm a bell doc". He said "I will give you some pills if you're no better in a week, give me a ring".

[Seafood]

Remember, If something doesn't feel right, then you might be feeling the wrong thing.

[Seafood]

Paid up front for a carpenter to make me a double bed..
The bugger done a bunk!

[Seafood]

My girlfriend really takes my breath away.
She's inflatable.

[Seafood]

So glad we left the EU, if we were still in, we would be having that heatwave too.

[Seafood]

“Remember, when you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It's only painful for others.
The same applies when you are stupid.”

[Seafood]

As a child, I was forced to walk the plank.
We couldn't afford a dog.

[Seafood]

So glad we left the EU, if we were still in, we would be having that heatwave too.

[Seafood]

My wife's just like Heather Mills, ...She only wears half the bloody shoes she buys.

[Seafood]

The wife said "ive had the shock of my life, ive just seen the image of my dead mother in the frying pan"! I said "I told you she was fat".

[Seafood]

I'm not saying her cooking is that bad, its just the way she slices the gravy

[Seafood]

My mate always said "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me". Until he fell into a printing press

[Seafood]

I've been invited to a hair-washing party...

I can't think of an excuse not to go!

[Seafood]

I got knocked over by a cyclist today. It was my own fault though, I was walking on the pavement.

[Seafood]

You know you're getting old when you step off the footpath and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there

[Seafood]

My wife bought a smart car, and now it won't let her in.

[Seafood]

My wife is so unfit she can't even "jog" her memory !

[Seafood]

I've just driven a twenty mile country road whilst smoking a joint. I didn't leave any turn unstoned.

[Seafood]

We were so poor growing up that for breakfast we had ordinary K

[Seafood]

Are Nice biscuits pronounced nice or nice? I always pronounce it nice but my wife insists that is nice!

[Seafood]

My big busted neighbour was in the garden this morning and I said to her "Tits like coconuts". She punched me in the face before I could add "But magpies seem to prefer bread".