Koolkat’s Quips - funny One-Liners

[Seafood]

I’ve just found out Steffi Graf had a sister named Polly.
I’m not lying either!

[Seafood]

Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden up until 1979. So presumably you could call in sick on a Monday, saying you felt gay.

[Seafood]

I crossed a Crocodile with a Budgie,,

It bit me leg off,and said,,,Who,s a naughty boy,

[Seafood]

I just asked the doctor if she could give me anything for hiccups.
She gave me a repeat prescription.

[Seafood]

I ordered some stuff online yesterday and I used my Donor Card instead of my Debit Card.

Cost me an arm and a leg.

[Seafood]

Paused a movie to make a cup of tea.
I've now lost my job at the cinema.

[Seafood]

The vicar was showing a little old lady his parrot. "He's a very intelligent bird, and a pious one at that. If you pull on his left leg, he'll recite the Lord's Prayer. If you pull on his right leg, he'll recite the 23rd Psalm." Then the lady asked, "What happens if you pull both of his legs?" To which the parrot replied, "I fall off my bloody perch, stupid!"

[Seafood]

Apparently when filling out forms you do not write "Yes Please!" in the box marked "Sex"..

[Seafood]

My friend lost his ear in an accident and had to have a pigs ear transplanted on.

I asked him if it was working ok….

He said, “It’s fine apart from a bit of crackling!”

 

 

[Seafood]

Please Help,
How long do I listen to my friend moaning about his stolen mobile phone,
Before I ask him for his charger.

[Seafood]

Lying in bed listening to the Doors. I really should oil the hinges

[Seafood]

My grandson made the mistake of telling me i was over dramatic so i just changed the WIFI password. We'll see who's over dramatic in about 5 minutes!

[Seafood]

Marrying a woman for her good looks. Is like buying a house for its wallpaper.

[Seafood]

On Monday we start Diarrhoea Awareness Week.
Runs until Friday.

[Seafood]

Old age comes at a very bad time...When you finally know everything, you start to forget everything you know.

[Seafood]

Marrying a woman for her good looks. Is like buying a house for its wallpaper...

[Seafood]

The wedding was so beautiful that even the cake was in tiers.

[Seafood]

As a Pink Floyd fan nothing infuriates me more than seeing a Vegan eating pudding

[Seafood]

It took me 20 minutes to scrape the global warming off my car's windows at 7 this morning!!..

[Seafood]

When I was a kid I asked my sister what a couple was and she said "Oh, two or three"..And she wonders why her marriage didn't work.

[Seafood]

Last night i reached for my liquid viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of tippex.

I woke up with a huge correction!!

[Seafood]

"So this is Christmas and what have you done?" The opening lyric to a John Lennon song, or the wife about to start an argument!

[Seafood]

When the wife ask's " What's the best way to stop the stairs creaking" Do not answer " Slimming World!

[Seafood]

“Hi my name is Kevin. I'm a husband and it's been 43 years since my last decision...!"

[Seafood]

Forget the past-you cant change it

Forget the future you cant predict it

Forget the present-i didnt get you one