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Koolkat’s Quick Quips


koolkat

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I went to the doctors yesterday and I asked my GP, "what's the best cure for double vision?"
He turned to me and smiled, "Shut one eye."
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You don't see faith healers healing the sick in hospitals for the same reason you never hear about Psychics winning the lottery..

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If you're British going into the bathroom, and British coming out of the bathroom, what are you in the bathroom.
.....European.
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You know you’re in a cheap motel when you call the desk “I gotta leak in the sink “ and they say “go ahead”

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Just been given some really bad news
My best mate just drank a whole bottle of invisible ink ..
He's currently in A + E waiting to be seen!!.
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Trading Standards have warned consumers that fake vodka can kill them.
 
As opposed to the perfectly healthy normal vodka.
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Drinking at home instead of the pub isn't working out? 🤔
I almost asked my wife for her phone number!!.. 🤷😂

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Word of advice:
Never do a runner from a Kenyan restaurant!

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I brought a tin of evaporated milk opened it it was empty

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A blind man passes a Fishmongers and says "evening ladies!"

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Been put down for a BRAVERY AWARD..
Just answered the wife back!

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When I was a lad everybody in our street had head lice. We really were a close nit community.

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Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.

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Most people write Congrats on a tweet because they don't know how to spell congratjulashuns.

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My wife didn't order anything on Amazon yesterday so the UPS driver knocked on our door to see if we were OK.

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I went to see a dentist with a rotten tooth. "You should get that fixed mate," I said, "Doesn't exactly inspire confidence."
 
 
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The big difference between men and women?
Women want one man to do many things.
Men want many women to do one thing.

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After being diagnosed with a multiple personality disorder, I phoned my boss to tell him I'd need time off.
"You're self-employed, you stupid b*st*rd," I said.
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