Memorandum

[uk666]

M E M O R A N D U M

To: The Managers       
From: Secretaries Personnel

1. Never start work first thing in the morning. We much prefer a terrific rush in the late afternoon. 
2. Always begin dictation at 12 noon and 5.00pm. Mark the work ‘Urgent’ and then go home. We have no homes to go to and are only too thankful for somewhere to spend the evening. 
3. When dictating, speak as indistinctly as possible. It develops the mastoid cells of the typist. Smoking or putting your hand over your mouth aids pronunciation and removes wrinkles. Speaking while yawning entertains the typist no end.
4. When we stagger out carrying a pile of files, please do not open the door for us. We learn to open it with our teeth or crawl under it.
5. Should a letter need a slight alteration after it is typed, score the work through heavily and write the correct word beside it, preferably in ink or heavy pencil and always make the alterations on the top copy.
6. After dictating for an hour, wait ten minutes, then ask for your work. It is sure to be done. Never say “Please” or “Thank you”. We know it brings on asthma.
7. Should we be busy to take dictation or you wish to make a draft, please write letters blindfold with a blunt pencil in left hand. Incorrect spellings, balloons, arrows, and other picturesque diagrams are very helpful to us.
8. If extra copies of a letter are required this should be indicated either after “Yours faithfully” or overleaf, so as to ensure that it is the last thing we see when the letter is completed.
9. Lower the voice to a whisper when dictating important details like names of people and places, and under no circumstances spell them. We are sure to hit the right one. We know every name and address, firm, and place in the world.
10. When we do not hear a word and you are asked to repeat it, shout it as loudly as possible. We find this more gentlemanly. Alternatively, do not repeat it at all. We have second sight and it may come to us. Otherwise we love a good game of “Guess the missing words”.
11. Always wait until the typist comes into the office before sorting out papers, seeking references, receiving callers and telephoning. Typists have plenty of time and urgent work is so rare.
12. With regard to statements, do not on any account use lined paper. If figures are altered, please write heavily over those previously inserted, the correct figure in each case being the one underneath.