Amusing Quotes by Spike Milligan KBE

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Amusing Quotes by Spike Milligan KBE

legendary Spike Milligan, was undoubtedly a man with a funny bone.

In case you’re not familiar with his name, Spike Milligan was a legend, funny, irreverent, and much-loved comedian and staple of British television and radio for many years in the post-war era and right up until his death in 2002.

Born Terence Alan Milligan in India, he was the son of a British Army Captain of Irish descent and an English mother.

In addition to being a wonderful comic performer, probably best known for his work with the Goon Show, he was also a successful writer, poet, playwright, and actor.

Though he spent much of his early life in India, most of his adult life was spent in the United Kingdom.

However, when the Commonwealth Immigrants Act removed Indian-born Milligan’s automatic right to British citizenship in 1962, despite his own service in the British Army as well as his father’s, he became an Irish citizen, exercising a right conferred through his Irish-born father.

His subversive brand of humour delighted several generations and helped to redefine British comedy.

"'How did you get ashore?'

"'Ho hum, I came across on that log.'

"'Log... that's an alligator!'

"'Ooh. I wondered why I kept getting shorter.'"

That brief exchange, recognisable instantly as something only Milligan could have written, does tell us something about this troubled, gifted man, with his unique mind and puzzled pity for humanity.

I think he was genuinely funny man and to prove it, here are 23 of his razor-sharp quips. 

Quotes by Spike Milligan:

1. All men are cremated equal.
2. One day the "Don't Knows" will get in and then where will we be?
3. A man once asked to shake hands with me, the "greatest Englishman who ever lived." I replied, "F**k off, I'm Irish.
4. All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.
5. If I don't eat soon, I'll die of hunger; and if I die, I won't eat soon.
6. I thought I’d begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.
7. Aristocrats have heirs, the poor have children, and the rest keep dogs.
8. I cannot stand being awake, the pain is too much.
9. It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't.
10. Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?
11. Money couldn’t buy friends, but you get a better class of enemy.
12. I’m a hero with coward’s legs.
13. I'm not afraid of dying I just don't want to be there when it happens.
14. I have resigned from the human race. Look at the way we treat animals.
15. How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.
16. I turned and rubbed my hands with glee. I always keep a tin of glee handy.
17. I can speak Esperanto like a native.
18. Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.
19. Life is a long-agonized illness only curable by death.
20. A bird in The Strand is worth two in Shepherd’s Bush.
21. I remember lying out in my bed and looking at the vast, quiet sky. Right up above my head, there were three stars in a row, and I remember thinking, 'Well, I'll have those three stars all my life, and wherever I am, they will be. They are my stars, and they belong to me.'
22. A family man from Siberia; As a father was very inferior; But one operation; Revised the situation; And now he’s Mother Superior.
23. And God said, ‘Let there be light’ and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.