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Maxine


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  • Andr-Tech

Maxine

As we progress into 2019, I want to thank you for all your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

  1. I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
  2. I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
  3. I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.
  4. Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
  5. I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.
  6. I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
  7. ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
  8. I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.
  9. I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
  10. I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
  11. Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
  12. Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
  13. I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
  14. I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.
  15. And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore, because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.
  16. I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.
  17. I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
  18. Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt. 
  19. And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.
  20. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.
  21. I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.
  22. If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m.
  23. Oh, and by the way...A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse………Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over six feet. out of the toilet.

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