20 Humorous and Witty Voicemail Greetings

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20 Humorous and Witty Voicemail Greetings

A funny voicemail greeting can bring life back into an otherwise mundane experience. 

The days of the neutral ‘Hello’ are over! Funny voicemail greetings may seem small, but once you have personalized your greeting, people will start looking forward to hearing your voice.

Creative and Funny Voicemail Greetings:

1. Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don’t need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number, and they will get back to you.
2. Hi! I’m available right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.
3. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
4. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.
5. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
6. Hi. Now YOU say something.
7. Hi, I'm not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
8. You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, “We aren’t in. Leave a message.” That’s why I’ve decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me.
9. Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?
10. Hi there! You’ve reached John’s voicemail. I’m currently avoiding all human interaction and living my best life, but I’ll get back to you as soon as I’m done.
11. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a (sexy) message, I'll call sooner!
12. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ stick your message to me with one of these magnets.
13. You’re growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone, you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.
14. This is not an answering machine-this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason for calling, and I'll think about returning your call.
15. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you!!!!
16. Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
17. If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.
18. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
19. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... really slowly. So, leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll get back to you
20. Hi! I’m available right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it. Please leave your name and number – but first, a short algebra quiz: How much is 5Q + 5Q? (Keep a pause so that the caller has time to think) 10Q. You’re welcome!