I don’t get no respect - Rodney Dangerfield

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I don’t get no respect - Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield was an American stand-up comedian, actor, producer, screenwriter, musician, and author. He was known for his self-deprecating one-liner humour, his catchphrase "I don't get no respect!" and his monologues on that theme.

Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

1. I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occur within ten miles of the house...so he moved.
2. Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But I never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.
3. I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."
4. I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on, I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
5. My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?
6. I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'
7. A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower. 
8. My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
9. It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
10. I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport. 
11. A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over; there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
12. A hooker once told me she had a headache.
13. I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.
14. I went to a Massage Parlor. It was self service
15. If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
16. I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man, and they want truth.
17. Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.
18. I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you." 
19. When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. 
20. The other day I came home, and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked “Why?" He said, "Because you came home early."
21. My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."
22. I told my wife a man is like wine; he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar. 
23. When I was born, I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
24. It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.
25. Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you, Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, yeah. She said, I'm not Louise.