Zombie, Vampire And Dinosaur FAQ

[uk666]

Zombie, Vampire And Dinosaur FAQ

Q: Do you seriously have an FAQ section about Zombie, Vampire and Dinosaur?

A: Yup. I love my Zombie, Vampire and Dinosaur, they are awesome.

Zombie FAQ

Q: Well, um, okay. In case of zombie invasion, where is the best place to hide?
A: Someplace where the zombies aren’t. More seriously, it really depends on the type of zombies you’re dealing with. If you’re dealing with Romero zombies, find yourself a nice shopping mall, lock yourself in, and don’t let idiots convince you to leave. If you’re dealing with viral zombies, avoid hospitals and population centres, and find out as quickly as you can whether animals can be infected. If you’re dealing with intelligent zombies, you’re screwed.

Q: How many types of zombies are there?
A: For purposes of providing a useful answer, we’re going to include “people infected by a horrible virus that doesn’t actually kill them but makes them behave in all other ways like a classic horror movie zombie” under the “zombie” umbrella. You’re welcome.

There are essentially four different major types of zombies:

1. The Romero zombie is definitely dead, and it really doesn’t matter why it’s walking around; what matters is that it’s here, it’s hungry, and it’s a mindless eating machine. For examples, see Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead, and Shaun of the Dead. Romero zombies come in both fast and slow varieties (thank you, James Gunn). If a Romero zombie bites you, shoot yourself. It’s the kindest thing you can do.
2. The viral zombie comes in both living (28 Days Later) and dead (Resident Evil: Apocalypse) varieties. The virus which causes them to seek the flesh of the living/uninfected is almost always man-made and is yet more proof that we shouldn’t f**k with science, lest science decide to f**k back. I am personally very fond of the viral zombie. This doesn’t make me more popular at parties.
3. The alien zombie is in some way being controlled by an alien organism. Sometimes the victims are dead (James Gunn’s SLiTHER, Night of the Creeps), and sometimes they aren’t (The Puppetmasters), but they’re basically zombies. Alien zombies are the only ones who aren’t guaranteed to eat you on sight. Oddly enough, this doesn’t make them more popular at parties, either.
4. The supernatural zombie. These are zombies explicitly brought back from the grave through some sort of whacked-out magical ritual. They may or may not be contagious; they’re almost certainly hostile. Examples of the magical zombie include The Midnight Hour and The Evil Dead. Magical zombies can often be disposed of by breaking the spell that summoned them in the first place. Good luck with that.

Q: What about fast and slow zombies?
A: Sorry. All four major types of zombies can come in either the fast or the slow variety.

Q: Well, crap. Is there a way to tell the difference between a fast zombie and a slow zombie before it grabs and eats my brain?
A: Observing the zombie’s behaviour is your only real hope. Early in an attack situation, assume that all zombies are fast zombies, and somehow possess the power to out-run a motorcycle. If none of the zombies actually chase you at anything faster than a shuffle, you can slow down a little. Try not to let your fear of fast zombies cause you to run straight into the arms of a slow zombie.

Q: What is the best weapon to use against zombies?
A: A velociraptor. Maybe eight of them. If you don’t have access to genetically engineered dinosaurs, again, it depends on the type of zombie. Alien slug zombies are best killed at a distance with a shotgun, or with grenades, there’s no reason to fear the debris. Viral zombies, on the other hand, should not be blown up if you can possibly avoid it, as it is totally possible to aerosolize the infection. If you’re dealing with intelligent zombies, get a tank. I recommend doing it quickly, before you’re dealing with intelligent zombies that have a tank.

Q: If I get bitten by an infectious type of zombie, should I hide it from the rest of my party?
A: Only if you’re a total jerk. Once you’re bitten, you’re already dead, and being shot in the back of the head hurts a lot less than going through massive viral amplification. Admit your condition, say your goodbyes, and die with dignity. There is one exception to this rule. If you are dealing with viral zombies, and if there is a known treatment, you can put off your noble suicide until such time as you’re past saving. It’s a gamble, and I don’t recommend doing it unless you’re sure the odds of getting to the hospital are good, but it’s possible.

Q: What do I need to remember when the zombies come?
A: Zombies are scary in part because their numbers are, from your point of view, essentially infinite. As long as you’re not the only survivor, they can make more zombies. (And if your outbreak actually involves people getting out of the grave, dude, just give it up.) Remember that the numbers are not on your side, and that freaking out about it really isn’t going to do you a damn bit of good.

Vampire FAQ

Q: Is the creepy guy who just moved in across the street a vampire?
A: Outside of a horror movie, probably not. But since we’re discussing ways to survive a horror movie…yes. Odds are good that he is.

Q: How do I keep him from getting me?
A: This gets a bit tricky. First off, do not invite the vampire into your home. This means no general invitations to the neighbourhood, no pool parties, barbecues, yard sales, or anything else that could be taken as a general “come on in, the plasma’s fine.” Do not throw a Tupperware party. Also, remember that some vampires can use their human minions to get themselves an invitation. If you don’t recognize the Avon lady, don’t let her in.
If you have teenage children, you may have a problem, as teenagers are traditional targets of the vampire looking for a way in. All the recent books portraying the vampire as your sexy cuddle-buddy don’t help. (Remember, horror movie vampires only want to cuddle your blood, not your body. They are not ideal prom dates.) Explain that the living dead are not welcome in the house. And padlock all the windows.

Q: What else can I do?
A: Take up gardening. No, seriously. Wild roses, garlic, and wild onions are traditional anti-vampire measures in some parts of the world. Get yourself a nice rose trellis and a large herb garden. Heck, plant some wolfsbane in there, too, just in case the werewolves decide that they’re missing out on a great party and drop by for a bite.

Dinosaur FAQQ

Q: Why are dinosaurs trying to eat me?
A: First off, determine what time period you’re currently in. If your answer is “the past,” dinosaurs are trying to eat you because you’ve gone time traveling like a big dumb-a$#, and you’re a tasty meaty treat. Don’t do that. If your answer is “the present,” dinosaurs are trying to eat you because nobody worthy of the title “mad scientist” ever bothers cloning anything cute and harmless. Since most people don’t have time machines, we’re going to assume the present is your default time period unless stated otherwise. If you are in the past, it’s your own damn fault for traveling backward through time, hence breaking several of the many laws of nature.

Q: How do I survive if I’m in the past?
A: Get back in your time machine as quickly as you possibly can, and go the hell home. If you no longer have access to a time machine, prepare to become part of the fossil record. On the plus side, you can confuse palaeontologists to no end. On the negative side, you will be dead. Either way, I really can’t help you any further.

Q: Fine, I’m in the present. Why are dinosaurs trying to eat me?
A: Because you’re made of meat. Dinosaurs are large. Dinosaurs are hungry. Large, hungry things tend to eat whatever they can find, and let’s face it, when you’re the size of a school bus, eating people is a lot more efficient than eating dachshunds. Also, people run and scream, which makes them a lot more fun to chew on.

Q: How do I tell the “want to eat me” dinosaurs apart from those who are much more interested in munching on the nearest redwood tree?
A: First, let’s try this simple exercise: is the dinosaur currently trying to eat you? If the answer is “yes,” then it’s a carnivore. Congratulations. Now run.
If the dinosaur isn’t currently trying to eat you, I recommend finding the nearest five-year-old boy, as he’ll be able to tell you exactly what sort of dinosaur you’re looking at. If all the five-year-olds have already been eaten because they tried to pet the raptors, take cover and watch the dinosaur to see what it does. If it eats a tree, see if you can slap a saddle on that sucker. If it eats a lawyer, run.

Q: Does “big head, little arms” really work as a potential defence against a Tyrannosaurus Rex?
A: I don’t know. Go try it, and report back with your findings.

Q: If I survive a dinosaur attack, do I get to hunt down the creator and make him tell me how to kill them?
A: Yes. Just wait before attacking, as the creator may be an innocent geek whose glorious discovery has been perverted for selfish ends. Hey, it happens.

Q: Is it true that dinosaurs can’t see me if I don’t move?
A: I could start ranting about bad science here, but I’ll spare us both, and just say that no, that is probably not true. Alligators existed in the time of the dinosaurs, and they will happily eat you, no matter how still you hold. Birds, also capable of seeing you when you don’t move. Dinosaurs? Probably not going to care whether you’re moving or not, as you will still be made of tasty, tasty flesh. Also, even if dinosaurs can’t see you when you’re holding still, a great many of them are large enough to crush you just by walking, and when you’re holding still, you’re not running away.