Andr-Tech uk666 Posted August 12, 2024 Andr-Tech #1 Posted August 12, 2024 God's Total Quality Management Questionnaire A humorous questionnaire about God's total quality management practices is presented. God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions: 1. How did you find out about God? Please check all that apply. __ Internet __ Other Book __ Television __ Divine Inspiration __ Word of mouth __ Near Death Experience __ Bible __ Don't know __ Torah __ Others (specify): _____________ __ Burning Shrubbery 2. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a god? Please check all that apply. __ Indoctrinated by parents __ Indoctrinated by society __ Needed a reason to live __ Needed focus in who to despise __ Imaginary friend grew up __ Hate to think for myself __ Fear of death __ Wanted to meet girls/boys __ Wanted to p*ss off parents __ Needed a day away from work __ Desperate need for certainty __ Like Organ Music __ Need to feel Morally Superior __ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it 3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes? __ Yes __ No If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here: __________________________________________ 4. Have you ever worshipped a God before? Please check all that apply. __ Yes __ No If yes, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply. __ Odin __ The Great Pumpkin __ Cthulhu __ The Sun __ Zeus __ The Moon __ Apollo __ The Bomb __ The great Spirit __ The Almighty Dollar __ Mick Jagger __ Elvis 5. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply. __ Tarot __ Lottery __ Horoscope __ Television __ Fortune cookies __ Internet __ Self-help books __ Sex __ Biorhythms __ Alcohol or drugs __ Astrology __ Psychic Friends Network __ Palmistry __ Tea Leaves __ ESP __ Crystals __ Pyramids __ Wandering around __ Playboy and/or Playgirl __ Human Sacrifice __ Other: _______________ __ Don't know 6. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)? a. More Divine Intervention b. Less Divine Intervention c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right d. What Divine Intervention! e. Don't know 7. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent): A. Disasters Flood: 1 2 3 4 5 Pestilence: 1 2 3 4 5 Famine: 1 2 3 4 5 Plague: 1 2 3 4 5 Earthquake: 1 2 3 4 5 Spam: 1 2 3 4 5 War: 1 2 3 4 5 Microsoft: 1 2 3 4 5 Internet Cookies: 1 2 3 4 5 Spyware: 1 B. Miracles Walk on a skateboard (while it’s in motion): 1 2 3 4 5 Water changing to wine: 1 2 3 4 5 Spontaneous Remissions: 1 2 3 4 5 Walking on water: 1 2 3 4 5 (Other than the Hudson River) Walk on melting ice glacier: (As it is melting) 1 2 3 4 5 getting any sex whatsoever: 1 2 3 4 5 Talking flaming shrubbery: 1 2 3 4 5 8. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary): _________________________________________________________ (Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions. Just for fun)
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