Funnies from Jay Leno and Jay London

[uk666]

Funnies from Jay Leno and Jay London

Jay London:

1. I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said “Compared to who?"
2. I recorded my hair this morning. Tonight, I’m watching the highlights.
3. I don’t need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.
4. My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.
5. I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out.
6. I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don’t worry, it’s not the end of the world.
7. I was lonely driving here tonight so I hugged the road.

Jay Leno:

1. The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up.
2. According to New York publishers, Bill Clinton will get more money for his book than Hillary Clinton got for hers. Well, duh. At least his book has some sex in it.
3. CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she’s strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.
4. Nineteen percent of doctors say that they’d be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments.
5. The Washington Bullets are changing their name. They don’t want their team to be associated with crime. From now on, they’ll just be known as the Bullets.
6. The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
7. Now, today is the day we honour, of course, the Presidents, ranging from George Washington, who couldn’t tell a lie, to George Bush, who couldn’t tell the truth, to Bill Clinton, who couldn’t tell the difference.