Hilarious Doctors Quotes

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Hilarious Doctors Quotes

1. Nineteen percent of doctors say that they'd be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments. ~ Jay Leno
2. You know what the difference between a cardiac surgeon and God is? God doesn't think he's a cardiac surgeon. ~ Lisa Gardner
3. I'm not feeling very well, I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. ~ Groucho Marx
4. The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. ~ Jay Leno
5. I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. ~ Henny Youngman
6. Tell your therapist that you have an addiction to shitty advice, and then ask if you can see them more than once a day. ~ Guy Endore-Kaiser
7. My health insurance is inexpensive, but there are trade-offs. When I wanted to get a colonoscopy, they sent me a chimney sweep. ~ Greg Tamblyn
8. When I was a kid, my doctor gave me candy so I’d have to see the dentist, who gave me small toys to swallow so I’d have to see the doctor. I think they came up with that one on Wednesday at the country club. ~ Ruminations
9. General anaesthesia is so weird. You go to sleep in one room, then wake up four hours later in a totally different room. Just like in college. ~ Ross Shafer
10. Finish last in your league and they call you “idiot.” Finish last in medical school and they call you “doctor.” ~ Abe Lemons, basketball coach
11. I went to a psychiatrist because I was hearing voices inside my head. They told me not to pay his bill. ~ Chris Weyant
12. The best doctor in the world is the veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter, he's got to just know. ~ Will Rogers
13. A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running. ~ Groucho Marx
14. Is there a medical rule that requires doctors-office personnel to treat you as though you have the IQ of a Cheeto? ~ Dave Barry
15. I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who? ~ Jay London
16. We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds if we felt like it. ~ Dave Barry
17. Minor surgery is an operation performed on somebody else. ~ (Anonymous)
18. The good physician treats the disease; the great physician treats the patient who has the disease. ~ William Osler.
19. They may forget your name, but they will never forget how you made them feel. ~ Maya Angelou.
20. People pay the doctor for his trouble; for his kindness, they still remain in his debt. ~ Seneca.