Nuggets of Wisdom... from the people listed

[uk666]

Nuggets of Wisdom... from the people listed

1. The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you’re off it. ~ Jackie Gleason
2. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. ~ Red Buttons
3. I have a daughter who goes to SMU. She could’ve gone to UCLA here in California, but it’s one more letter she’d have to remember. ~ Shecky Greene
4. A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done. ~ Fred Allen
5. A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for sixteen hardened criminals. ~ Ronnie Corbett
6. They think they can make fuel from horse manure. Now I don’t know if your car will be able to get thirty miles to the gallon, but it’s sure goanna put a stop to siphoning. ~ Billie Holliday
7. Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it. ~ Stephen Leacock
8. I have a great diet. You’re allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people. ~ Ed Bluestone
9. Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window. ~ Steve Bluestone
10. Everything is drive-through. In California they even have a burial service called Jump-In-the-box. ~ Wil Shriner
11. Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a moron. ~ George Carlin
12. I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. ~ Carol Leifer
13. The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise. ~ Roger Simon
14. A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business. ~ Shelley Berman
15. Don’t spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They’ll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents. ~ Billiam Coronel
16. I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. ~ Dave Edison
17. If law school is so hard to get through, how come there are so many lawyers? ~ Calvin Trillin
18. I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewellery. ~ Rita Rudner
19. Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. ~ Johnny Carson
20. Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock. ~Will Rogers
21. If it weren’t for electricity, we’d all be watching television by candlelight. ~ George Gobel
22. If only all the hands that reach could touch. ~ Mary A. Loberg