Hilarious Beer Troubleshooting Matrix

[uk666]

Hilarious Beer Troubleshooting Matrix

If you're out for a beer and something seems odd, consult this helpful guide to find the cause and remedy:

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points towards ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to the nearest dog and complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You've fallen over backwards.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to the bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of shirt wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to toilet, and practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through the bottom of an empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another pub.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Pub has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with barman.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everybody looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Try to fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Thank them and go home.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologise to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognise anyone or recognise the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have any free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer level is too low.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: You don't remember the words to a song.
FAULT: The beer is just right.
ACTION: Just play the air guitar.

Note
Alcohol is a deadly, toxic, and highly addictive poison, yet we can talk about it freely and joke about it on the internet. If this post was in relation to a harmless substance like cannabis or psilocybin some people would be upset about it.