Just for Laughs

[Seafood]

Paddy says to Mick 'How did you get on at that Faith Healing group last night?'

Mick says 'It was absolutely shite. Even the fella in the wheelchair got up and walked out'

[Seafood]

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”

The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.”

The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?”

To which the rabbi replied, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.”

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?”

The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.”

The rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?”

The priest replied, “Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my vow of celibacy.”

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, “Beats the sh*t out of a ham sandwich, doesn’t it?”

[Seafood]

A little old lady, about 70 years old, walks into an adult bookstore and slowly shuffles up to the counter, her hands shaking. She stutteringly says, "Eh, eh, excuse me, b-but I'm embarrased..."

The clerk says, "Please don't be ma'am, human sexuality is a beautiful, natural thing. You have nothing to be embarrassed about."

Trembling, she asks, "All right, do- do- do you have (whispers) women's...pleasure...aides here?

"Like, vibrators and dildos? Yes, ma'am, we have a large selection of both."

"An- an- and do- do you know much about them?"

The clerks looks are her shaking form and says, "Yes, ma'am, I do. I'd be happy to answer any questions you have."

To which she replies, "Great! Do- do- do- do you know how to shut 'em off?!"

[Seafood]

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mum", he asked, "are these my brains?"

"Not yet," she replied

[Seafood]

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud,but everyone at the table heard the pouf. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!". The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!" Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!". A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing! Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,"Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"

[Seafood]

"Father, I have two female parrots rescued from a house of ill-repute. But the only thing they ever say is: 'Wanna have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" exclaims the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your parrots over to my house, and I will put them in with two male parrots whom I have taught to pray every day. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase."

The next day the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The two female parrots were put in the cage with them. The females immediately began their routine: "Hi, wanna have some some fun?" One male parrot looked at the other male parrot and said: "Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered."

[Seafood]

My friend called me today and said, "I've just had a huge fight with the wife. Have you got a spare bed for a few weeks until I find a flat?"
"I'm afraid not," I replied, "but I've got a sofa, if that's any good."
"Perfect," he said. "You're an absolute legend! I'll send her over in a bit."

[Seafood]

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

 

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

 

" Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no GOD , or no Heaven or Hell , or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

 

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass . Yet a deer

excretes little pellets , while a cow turns out a flat patty , but a horse produces clumps . Why do you suppose that is?"

 

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

 

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss why there is no GOD , or no Heaven or Hell , or no life after death, when you don't know sh*t ?"

 

And then she went back to reading her book.

[Seafood]

 

My girlfriend told me to see things from a woman's point of view,

so i looked out of the kitchen window.

 

[Seafood]

Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little man staring at him, he looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch p*n*s, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown." The little guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him through, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice, the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?" The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch p*n*s, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown." The little guy says, "Turner Brown?! Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around'"

[Seafood]

A man calls Pizza hut to order a pizza...

CALLER: Is this Pizza Hut?

GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.

CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number, sorry.

GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month.

CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza.

GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER: My usual? You know me?

GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.

CALLER: Super! That’s what I’ll have.

GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?

CALLER: What? I don’t want a vegetarian pizza!

GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

CALLER: How do you know that?

GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetarian pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.

GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once at Lloyds Pharmacy, 4 months ago.

CALLER: I bought more from another Pharmacy.

GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.

CALLER: I paid in cash.

GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

CALLER: I have other sources of cash.

GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your latest tax returns unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law!

CALLER: WHAT THE !!!

GOOGLE: I'm sorry sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

CALLER: Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without the internet, TV, where there is no phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.

GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago!!..

[Seafood]

Mr. Wilson comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck. "I have great news. I’m a month overdue. I think we’re going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can’t tell anybody.”

The next day, Mrs. Wilson receives a telephone call from AEC (Atlanta Electric Company) because the electricity bill has not been paid.

“Am I speaking to Mrs. Wilson?”

“Yes. Speaking.”

AEC guy, “You’re a month overdue, you know!”

“How do YOU know?” stammers the young woman.

“Well, ma’am, it’s in our files!” says the AEC guy.

“What are you saying? It’s in your files. HOW?”

“Yes. We have a system of finding out who’s overdue.”

“GOD! This is too much.”

“Madam, I am sorry. I am following orders. I have to inform you are overdue.”

“I know that. Let me talk to my husband about this tonight. He will speak to your company tomorrow.”

That night, she tells her husband about the call, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to AEC office the next day morning.

“What’s going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?” the husband shouts.

“Just calm down,” says the lady at the reception at AEC, “It’s nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us.”

“PAY you? And if I refuse?”

“Well, in that case, sir, we’d have no option but to cut yours off.”

“And what would my wife do then?” the husband asks.

“I don’t know. I guess she’d have to use a candle."

 

 

[Seafood]

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Granddad
Stop the funeral

[Seafood]

HOW TO TELL BOYS AND GIRLS APART

(According to a 5-year-old.)

One chilly afternoon in November, I picked up my kindergartener from school. She climbed into the back seat, bursting with excitement.

“We learned how to tell boys and girls apart today!” she announced proudly.

Trying not to panic, I glanced in the mirror. “Oh really?” I said, bracing myself.

“Yup,” she said confidently. “Boys have a thing, and girls don’t.”

My hands tightened on the wheel. “Well... I mean… that’s... technically true,” I muttered, already regretting asking.

“And girls know boys are boys because of that thing,” she continued. “It kinda hangs down and moves when they walk.”

I suddenly wished we lived closer to school.

Then she said, “And when a boy sees a girl, he puffs up! Just like that!”

I blinked. “He… what now?”

“He puffs up! And that’s how the girl knows he likes her,” she said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. “Then they get married… and then they get cooked.”

Cooked???

I was speechless. Not that I could’ve formed a sentence anyway. But once we got home, she pulled a piece of paper from her backpack.

“I drew a picture of it!”

Curious—and a little afraid—I looked.

And there it was: a big, proud, crayon-colored TOM TURKEY, all puffed up with feathers fanned and that famous red snood dangling over his beak like a badge of honor.

I laughed so hard I had to sit down.

She was slightly offended until I told her I loved it—and I truly did.

And while that was the end of it for her… I’ve never looked at turkeys, or men, quite the same way since.

 

 

[Seafood]

My poncy neighbour thinks he's cool with his new clap-activated lights.

I'm gonna have the last laugh though...I've taught his kids 'If you're happy and you know it'......