Just for Laughs

[Seafood]

A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and, one night, he's doing a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his customary dumb-blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blonde women that way? What does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. It's people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only Blondes, but women in general . . . pathetically, all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde shouts . . .

"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little sh*t on your lap!"

[Seafood]

Top 10 Politically Correct Statements:

10.) He does not have a beer gut; he has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.

9.) He is not quiet; he is a Controverisal Minimalist.

8.) He does not get lost all the time; he Discovers Alternative Destinations.

7.) He is not balding; he is in Follicle Regression.

6.) He does not get 'falling down drunk'; he becomes Accidentally Horizontal.

5.) He is not short; he is Anatomically Compact.

4.) He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a Vehicular Addiction.

3.) He does not eat like a pig, he suffers from Reverse Bulimia.

2.) He is not a bad dancer with no rhythm; he is Overly Caucasian.

1.) He is not afraid of commitment; he is Monogamously Challenged.

[Seafood]

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?'

Artie said: ' I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.'

Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.'

Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'

[Seafood]

Antiques Roadshow ....

"So can you tell me how you acquired such a rare 18th century carriage clock?"

"I used to do odd jobs for an old lady who used to live next door to me and when she died I nicked it."

"CUT"

[Seafood]

[Seafood]

Paddy phoned Ryanair to book a flight. The operator asked him how many people would be flying with him. Paddy said 'I don't know, it's your feckin plane'

[Seafood]

An 80-year-old man tells his wife, "I'm going to the doctor to get me some of those new Viagra pills."

His wife gets her coat on and says, "I'm going to the doctor, too. If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm getting a tetanus shot."

[Seafood]

After having dug to a depth of 100 feet last year, French scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the French: in the weeks that followed, American archaeologists dug to a depth of 200 feet before finding traces of copper wire. Shortly afterwards, they published an article in the New York Times saying, "American archaeologists, having found traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the French."

A few weeks later, The Irish Archaeological Society reported that after Murphy had dug down to a level of 3 feet he had found absolutely f**k all. Murphy therefore concluded that 250 years ago Ireland had already gone wireless.

[Seafood]

Martha's husband was cremated when he passed. Picking up the urn, she poured him out on the patio table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.

"You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

"Remember that car you promised me? Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"

"Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, insurance money!"

Finally, she said, "Remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes!!"

[Seafood]

[Seafood]

Three little old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a flasher came by in only an overcoat and opened it as wide as it could go. The first little old lady had a stroke, the second little old lady also had a stroke, but the third little old lady couldn't reach.

 

 

[Seafood]

My wife, Julie, had been after me for several weeks to paint the seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while Julie was out. After finishing, I left to take

Care of another matter before she returned.

She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.

About that time, I got home and realized her predicament.

We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts.

Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.).

Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."

The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them......

I just never saw one mounted and framed."

[Seafood]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne..

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne,too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different c**k,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'

[Seafood]

God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for Me."

Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him.

Then God said, "Cross the river."

Adam said, "What's a river?"

God explained that to him, and then said,

"Go over to the hill....."

Adam said, "What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."

Adam said, 'What's a cave?'

After God explained, He said,

"In the cave you will find a woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?'

So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under His breath), "Geez....."

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to

Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily,

"What is it now?"

And Adam said....

(YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS)

"What's a headache?"

[Seafood]

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You b*st*rd!"

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten b*st*rd!"

The judge stops and says to the heckler in the back of the courtroom. "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

The man stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to him, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one!"