Just for Laughs

[Seafood]

A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and, one night, he's doing a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his customary dumb-blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blonde women that way? What does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. It's people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only Blondes, but women in general . . . pathetically, all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde shouts . . .

"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little sh*t on your lap!"

[Seafood]

Top 10 Politically Correct Statements:

10.) He does not have a beer gut; he has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.

9.) He is not quiet; he is a Controverisal Minimalist.

8.) He does not get lost all the time; he Discovers Alternative Destinations.

7.) He is not balding; he is in Follicle Regression.

6.) He does not get 'falling down drunk'; he becomes Accidentally Horizontal.

5.) He is not short; he is Anatomically Compact.

4.) He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a Vehicular Addiction.

3.) He does not eat like a pig, he suffers from Reverse Bulimia.

2.) He is not a bad dancer with no rhythm; he is Overly Caucasian.

1.) He is not afraid of commitment; he is Monogamously Challenged.

[Seafood]

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?'

Artie said: ' I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.'

Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.'

Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'

[Seafood]

Antiques Roadshow ....

"So can you tell me how you acquired such a rare 18th century carriage clock?"

"I used to do odd jobs for an old lady who used to live next door to me and when she died I nicked it."

"CUT"

[Seafood]

[Seafood]

Paddy phoned Ryanair to book a flight. The operator asked him how many people would be flying with him. Paddy said 'I don't know, it's your feckin plane'

[Seafood]

An 80-year-old man tells his wife, "I'm going to the doctor to get me some of those new Viagra pills."

His wife gets her coat on and says, "I'm going to the doctor, too. If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm getting a tetanus shot."

[Seafood]

After having dug to a depth of 100 feet last year, French scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the French: in the weeks that followed, American archaeologists dug to a depth of 200 feet before finding traces of copper wire. Shortly afterwards, they published an article in the New York Times saying, "American archaeologists, having found traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the French."

A few weeks later, The Irish Archaeological Society reported that after Murphy had dug down to a level of 3 feet he had found absolutely f**k all. Murphy therefore concluded that 250 years ago Ireland had already gone wireless.

[Seafood]

Martha's husband was cremated when he passed. Picking up the urn, she poured him out on the patio table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.

"You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

"Remember that car you promised me? Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"

"Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, insurance money!"

Finally, she said, "Remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes!!"

[Seafood]

[Seafood]

Three little old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a flasher came by in only an overcoat and opened it as wide as it could go. The first little old lady had a stroke, the second little old lady also had a stroke, but the third little old lady couldn't reach.

 

 

[Seafood]

My wife, Julie, had been after me for several weeks to paint the seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while Julie was out. After finishing, I left to take

Care of another matter before she returned.

She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.

About that time, I got home and realized her predicament.

We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts.

Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.).

Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."

The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them......

I just never saw one mounted and framed."

[Seafood]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne..

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne,too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different c**k,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'

[Seafood]

God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for Me."

Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him.

Then God said, "Cross the river."

Adam said, "What's a river?"

God explained that to him, and then said,

"Go over to the hill....."

Adam said, "What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."

Adam said, 'What's a cave?'

After God explained, He said,

"In the cave you will find a woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?'

So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under His breath), "Geez....."

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to

Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily,

"What is it now?"

And Adam said....

(YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS)

"What's a headache?"

[Seafood]

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You b*st*rd!"

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten b*st*rd!"

The judge stops and says to the heckler in the back of the courtroom. "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

The man stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to him, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one!"

[Seafood]

An old half-deaf husband is watching TV with his wife.

They are watching the DYI network on home repair.

Every time the wife gets up he flips it to the p0rn channel not realizing she can hear and flips it back as she comes back to the room.

This goes on for a few cycles till she comes back from the kitchen and yells at him,

“Oh for god’s sake bob just leave it on the p0rn…you already know how to hang a shelf”.

[Seafood]

The lawyer hopes you get into trouble.
The doctor hopes you get sick.
The police hope you become a criminal.
The teacher hopes you are born silly.
The landlord hopes you don't buy a house.
The prostitute hopes you don't get married.
The dentist hopes your teeth decay.
The mechanic hopes your car breaks down.
The coffin maker hopes you die.
Only the thief wishes you prosperity in life.

[Seafood]

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third!

The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER’S a$# SHOWS. The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER’S a$# OUT IN FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER’S a$#. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST a$# IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.

The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS a$# FOR $10.00. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER a$# IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day!

[Seafood]

The parish priest needs his house painted so he offers the job to one of his altar boys.

The first day the kid paints the entire inside of the house, he's sweating like hell but eventually gets it finished.

The priest commends him on the work and with a flourish hands him a $5.

The boy looks at the money and says to the priest, "Thanks very much Father, . . . you're a virgin."

The priest is a bit startled but makes no remark. The next day the boy has to paint the outside of the house; it's a really hot day and he just manages to finish the job without collapsing.

The priest looks at the job and this time gives the lad another $5.

Once again the lad looks at the money and says, "Thanks very much Father, you really are a virgin".

At this stage the priest decides to take action.

"Tommy," he says, "that's twice you've called me a virgin. Do you have any idea what the word means?"

"Yes," says the kid, "a tight a$#."

[Seafood]

A man is walking around the streets of the city one day when he spies an old friend of his from college.

"George!" he yells. "I haven't seen you in ages! How have you been?"

"Well," George replies. "I am the Clarinet player for the International Orchestra."

"Spectacular! " the man replies.

"It is not what you might think, my friend. We play for the king of England, he loves the music. He says 'Fill the instruments with gold!' and they fill the Tuba with gold and they fill the Saxophone with gold, and me with the feckin Clarinet."

"We play for the queen of France. She loves the music; she says 'Fill the instruments with silver!' and they fill the Tuba with silver and they fill the Saxophone with silver, and me with the feckin Clarinet.

"Then we play for the czar of Russia. He hates the music; he say 'Shove the instruments up their asses!'

...and the tuba doesn't fit and the Saxophone doesn't fit. And me with the feckin Clarinet!"

[Seafood]

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, "Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's soft-ball there."

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, "Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you." Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

At midnight a few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, "Barb, Barb."

"Who is it?" asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Barb, it's me, Rose."

"You're not Rose. Rose just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Rose," insisted the voice.

"Rose! Where are you?"

"In Heaven," replied Rose. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," said Barb.

"The good news," Rose said, "is that there's Softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired."

"That's fantastic," said Barb. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"

"You're pitching Tuesday."

[Seafood]

Two friends, one an Optimist and the other a Pessimist could never quite agree on any topic of discussion.

One day the Optimist decided he had found a good way to pull his Pessimistic friend out of his way of continual Pessimistic way of thinking.

The Optimist owned a huntin' dog that could walk on water.

His plan? Take the Pessimist and the dog out duck hunting in a boat.

They got out into the middle of the lake, and the Optimist shot down a duck...the dog immediately walked out across the water, retrieved the duck, and walked back to the boat.

The Optimist looked at his Pessimistic friend and said, "What do you think about that?"

The Pessimist replied, "That dog can't swim, can he?

[Seafood]

One Monday morning Shane the postman was riding through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail.

As he approached one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.

His wonder was cut short by David, the home owner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman commented.

David, in obvious pain, replied, 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 o'clock Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the

neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?'

The Postman thought for a moment and said, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'

Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is..'

The postman laughed and said, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'

'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded, 'Your name came up 7 times.'

[Seafood]

Bill was cruising down a country road on his motorbike when a deer darted out in front of him. He swerved, lost control, and ended up in a ditch. Luckily, he wasn’t badly hurt—just a little dazed.

A shiny BMW pulled up alongside, and out stepped an absolutely stunning woman.

“Are you OK?” she asked.

Bill rubbed his head. “I banged it a bit, but I think I’m fine.”

“Don’t be silly,” she said. “Jump in my car—I’m a nurse. I’ll patch you up, and you can warm up at my place just a couple miles away.”

Bill hesitated. “That’s really kind, but my wife wouldn’t be happy if I went home with a strange woman.”

The nurse smiled. “Nonsense! You could have a serious injury. I insist.”

So, Bill gave in, climbed into the BMW, and off they went. At her house, she cleaned his wound, bandaged him up, and even offered him a cold beer.

“I really shouldn’t,” said Bill. “My wife won’t like it.”

“Don’t be daft,” she laughed. “You’ve had a shock. A beer will calm you down.”

So Bill had the beer. Then she offered him another.

He shook his head. “Honestly, I'd better not. My wife REALLY won’t like it.”

Rolling her eyes, she asked, “Why do you keep worrying about your wife? Where is she, anyway?”

Bill took a sip of his beer, shrugged, and said:

“As far as I know… she’s still in the ditch.”

[Seafood]

10 Reasons to go to work naked
Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your a$# in here by 8:00!"
Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
"I’d love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
You want to see if it’s like the dream.
So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.
People stop stealing your pens after they’ve seen where you keep them.
Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
No one steals your chair.