Just for Laughs

[Seafood]

A woman took her car to her mechanic.

She told him " Everytime I take my friends out in my car, there is this terrible smell. It never happens when I'm alone".

The mechanic was puzzled, so he said " Ok so let's go for a spin and see what the problem is."

Off they went. She droved down a one way street in the wrong direction at 60 mph, swerved, hit the curb on both sides of the street, narrowly missed three pedestrian, ran several red lights, and just missed a policeman. They returned to the shop and she said, " There it is now - there's that terrible smell. Can you smell it?".

The mechanic replied " smell it?, Lady, I'm sitting in it."

[Seafood]

Mac the sailor docked at New York after a frustrating 3-month voyage. Unfortunately he'd lost most of his pay playing poker on board ship, so when he eventually found a lady of the night all he could offer her was 50 cents & a pair of sneakers.

She refused with disdain.

He wandered around in search of a more accommodating girl, but was refused time & time again. Eventually he found a more sympathetic lady who told him that although she could not possibly accept his offer herself, he could always try Mabel down the road. But she warned him not to expect too much as Mabel was very unresponsive & would probably just lie there passively.

He found Mabel & as times were hard she reluctantly agreed to accept the 50 cents & the pair of sneakers for her services, but told him not to expect any kind of response from her.

Mac began the amorous act & after a few minutes was please to find an arm coming around his back. This was followed shortly after by a leg curling around his rear.

Mac, who had always fancied himself a bit of a Romeo, gasped, "I knew you wouldn't be able to resist my charms." "Don't worry about me, love," answered Mabel, "I'm just trying on the sneakers."

[Seafood]

One Sunday morning, the priest noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the priest walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly "Good morning Alex."
"Good morning Father," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Father, what is this?" he asked the priest.
The priest said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"

[Seafood]

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no-one.'

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch!'

[Seafood]

My old neighbour was a peeping tom. He used to drill holes in the floor and spy on the people in the flat below. He died recently, but I like thinking about him up there somewhere, looking down on us

[Seafood]

One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. In the blink of an eye, it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the firefighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire station who could bring out the company's secret files. But still, the firefighters could not get through.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby rural township volunteer fire brigade, composed mainly of old men over 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the brave firefighters.

The local TV station caught the thank you on film and asked the chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Well," said Paddy, the 70-year-old fire chief, "the first thing we're gonna do is

fix the brakes on that bloody fire truck."

[Seafood]

Life is all about a$#! You are either: covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, kissing it, busting it, trying to get a piece of it, behaving like one, or living with one.

[Seafood]

Frank is sitting at the bar looking really down so the barman says "What's up Frank you don't normally look so down!!"

Frank replies "My 5 year old son has got the 18 year old baby sitter pregnant!!"

Barman says " What, surely that's impossible!!"

Frank says "Nope, the little bugger put holes in my bloody condoms!!"

[Seafood]

I was laying in a hospital bed and a hot female nurse came over, and told me to strip as it was time for my bed bath. As she washed me down, she got to washing my genitals she said "So what are you in for then ?

I said "My Dad has just gone to theatre and I was having a lie down on his bed!

[Seafood]

Last night I got drunk, so drunk that when I got to the bottom of the stairs, I took off my shoes, coat, top, trousers and socks. The lot! I crept up very quietly and it was only when I got to the top of the stairs I realised I was on the bus.

[Seafood]

A convent educated girl gave her answer to the mother superior when asked what career she wanted to follow.

She said "Prostitute", whereupon mother superior fainted. She thought the girl wanted to be a protestant.

[Seafood]

The quiet Irishman is about as harmless as a powder magazine built over a match factory

[BamSec1]

Today scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that one hundred percent of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive!

[Seafood]

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, “You must be a dentist.”

The guy, surprised, says “Yes! How did you figure that out?”

“Easy,” she replied, “you keep washing your hands.”

One thing led to another and they make love.

After they have done, the girl says, “You must be a good dentist.”

The guy, now with a boosted ego, says, “Sure, I’m a good dentist, How did you figure that out?”

“Didn’t feel a thing!”

[Seafood]

Paddy took two stuffed dogs to the Antique Roadshow.

"Wow" said the Presenter "This is a very rare set of dogs produced by the celebrated John's Brothers, taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the last Century"

"Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

"Sticks?"..... said Paddy

[Seafood]

Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man. One of the guys said he was going to bug him.

He walked over to the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a real tosser.”

“Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.”

Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a tosser and he didn't care!"

"You just don't know how to set him off. Watch and learn.”

The second English man walked over and tapped the Irish man on the shoulder. "I hear your St. Patrick was a wanker!"

“Oh, wow, I didn't know that, thank you.”

Shocked beyond belief, the English man went back to his buddies. "You are right, he is unshakable!"

The third English man said: "No, no, no, I will really bug him, you just watch.”

The English man walked over to the Irish man, tapped him on the shoulder and said: "I hear your St. Patrick was an Englishman!"

“Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me.” 

[Seafood]

A young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam. After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests, the doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find no problems. I did notice one anomaly, however."

"Oh, what is that, Doctor?"

"Well, you have no nipples."

"None of the people in my tribe have nipples," she replied.

"That is amazing," said the doctor. "I'd like to write this up for The South Carolina Journal of Medicine if you don't mind."

She said, "OK."

"First of all," asked the doctor, "how many people are in your tribe?"

She answered, "Approximately 500."

"And what is the name of your tribe?" asked the doctor.

Running Doe replied, "We're called the Indian Nippleless Five Hundred."

[Seafood]

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what’s wrong.

“Well,” replies Paul, “you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?”

“Yes,” replies Jeff with a laugh.

“Well,” says Paul, straightening up, “I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed.”

“That’s great!” says Jeff, “When are you going out?”

“I went to meet her this evening,” continues Paul, “but I was worried I’d get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my p*n*s to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn’t show.”

“Sensible” says Jeff.

“So I get to her door,” says Paul, “and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw.”

“And what happened then?”

(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)

“I kicked her in the face.”

[Seafood]

Japanese couple in an argument over ways of highly erotic sex...

Husband: Sukitaki.

Wife replies: Kowanini!

Husband says: Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!

Wife on her knees literally begging: Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!

Husband replies angrily: Na miaou kina tim ouji!

And you sit here reading this sh*t as if you understand Japanese!

You are really Unbelievable!!

I always knew that anything on SEX would grab your attention

[Seafood]

Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman get caught by terrorists.

'You are all going to die. But we will grant you each one final wish' says the terrorist.

Scotsman 'I would like a hundred bagpipes playing Scotland the brave'

Irishman 'I would like 100 people performing the river dance'

Englishman 'Can you kill me first please?'

[Seafood]

Which Icelandic Singer was named after a city in England. Was it:

A.Norwich

B.York

C. Leeds

[Seafood]

Red Riding Hood strolls through the forest when she hears a noise.

She finds the wolf crouching behind a bush.

She goes 'My, Wolf, what big eyes you have.'

And the Wolf goes 'For Christ's sake, you can't take a quiet sh*t around here.'

[Seafood]

Paddy pulls up at the lights next to a lovely young blonde bird, he smiles and lowers his window.

She smiles back and lowers her window, so Paddy leans across and says....

"Have you just farted as well?

[Seafood]

A man has a car accident and is taken to hospital

Just before he was put under, the surgeon dropped in to see him "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh God, no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please Doc what's the good news?

"The good news is I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."

".Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."

"Not only that," continued the golfer "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in water colors."

"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"

"Well, just one problem" said the golfer. "Every time I get an erection , I also get a headache."

[Seafood]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.

One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, officer.”

“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop. “Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”

“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my backyard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?’

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.’

“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what is in the other bag?”

The old lady replies with a grin,

“Well, not everybody pays.”