Just for Laughs

[BamSec1]

A cop just pulled me over, and the officer came up to my window and said "Papers?"

I said "Scissors, I win!" and quickly drove off.

He's been chasing me for 45 minutes now... I think he wants a rematch.

[BamSec1]

I think it’s a mistake to call childbirth "delivery."

It should be called "takeout" instead.

[BamSec1]

What is another name for a gynocologist?

A private investigator.

[BamSec1]

So there I am, alone with my wife (Brandi). She leans closer and whispers in my ear. . .
"Tell me something you've never told anyone at all."

After a pause, I whisper back, "I think the Owl People are already among us."
"Who?"

"Holy crap!!!"

[BamSec1]

A drunk wakes up in jail on New Years Day and asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?"
The cop replies, "For drinking."
"Great!" slurs the man. "When do we start?"

[BamSec1]

Today, I was offered "a good time" by a smoking hot, 21 year old brunette.
In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner.
Of course, I said "no" as I have high moral standards and very strong willpower.
Just as strong as Ajax, the super efficient bathroom cleaner.
Now available in scented lemon or vanilla.

[BamSec1]

I asked my girlfriend if I could make her mine.
"Yes! Oh, yes!" she shouted, eyes filled with tears.
"Great!" I said.  "Now take this pick axe and go find me some gold!"

[Seafood]

“I used to go out with a giraffe. Used to take it to the pictures and that. You’d always get some bloke complaining that he couldn’t see the screen. It’s a giraffe, mate. What do you expect? ‘Well he can take his hat off for a start!’”

[Seafood]

“I was in my car driving back from work. A police officer pulled me over and knocked on my window. I said, ‘One minute I’m on the phone.’”

[Seafood]

My father drank so heavily, when he blew on the birthday cake he lit the candles.

[Seafood]

Finnegan’s wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning him.
“Did she say anything before she died?” asked the sergeant.
“She spoke without interruption for about 40 years,” said Finnegan.

[Seafood]

A businessman is getting a 17% discount on a $29,000 order.
He can’t work it out in his head so he asks his secretary Linda, "If I were to give you $29,000 with a 17% discount, how much would you take off?"

Linda replies, "Everything but my earrings!!"

 

[Seafood]

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."
19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb."

[Seafood]

My teacher said, “If you think about anything long enough, it gets easier.”

I said, “I don’t know about that Miss.

Last night I was thinking about you for a bit and it just got harder.”

[Seafood]

Police have arrested a man that fell into a combine harvester while trying to steal it.....he is due to be Bailed tomorrow

[Seafood]

My wife is so fooking greedy,

she doesn't go back for seconds, she goes back for hours.

[Seafood]

NEWS HEADLINE: Trump Hints He’ll Flee to Venezuela If He Loses the Election: ‘Far Safer’

I'M STARTING A GoFundMe CAMPAIGN TO PAY HIS AIRFARE.

[Seafood]

[Seafood]

I walked into a restaurant and the manager said "do you mind waiting for a bit?"

I said "Yes, that's fine"

He then handed me 2 plates and said "Good...thats for table 7"

[Seafood]

Did you have cookery class at school, we did. The best thing about my teacher was probably her meatloaf. She could never get the voice right but she looked just like him.

[Seafood]

I made my girlfriend's dream come true when I arranged for us to be married in a castle...

You wouldn't have known it from the look on her face as we bounced around!

[Seafood]

A bus load of wives on a party bus crashed with no survivors.
Each husband mourned and cried for a week.
One husband continued crying for over five weeks.
When asked why, he replied.
"My wife missed the bus".

[Seafood]

How come things that happen to stupid people keep happening to me ???

 

 

[Seafood]

I went to the bank for a loan today,The girl at the desk said im sorry the loan arranger isn,t in today,I said, Is Tonto available,

[Seafood]

An Italian man said, 'Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end.'

The Frenchman boasted, 'Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes.'

The Jewish man said, 'Well, last week my wife and I also had sex. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz (chicken fat). We made love, and she screamed for over six hours.'

The other two were stunned. The amazed Frenchman asked, 'What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?'

The Jewish man said, 'I wiped my hands on the bedspread.'