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"Simon, if I had eight apples in my right hand and ten apples in my left hand, what would I have?”

“Huge hands, sir.”

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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the stove and the kitchen sink.
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Why do croutons come in airtight packages?
Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

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What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

One less drunk.

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Whats the difference between lying to the taxman and lying your wife? If you get caught, the taxman still wants to screw you...

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How do you tell the front of a tree?

When someone has a piss behind it.

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If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?

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What's the difference between a rock guitarist and a jazz guitarist?
A rock guitarist plays 4 notes in front of 1000 people, while a jazz guitarist plays 1000 notes in front of 4 people.

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Mr. Bigger and Mrs. Bigger have a baby. Who’s the biggest in the family?
The baby of course - because he’s a little Bigger.

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Q: Why did the blonde fail her driving test?

A: Because she was not used to being in the front seat

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Where was the toothbrush invented?

Mississippi.

If it would've been invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teeth brush.

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What exactly is junk?
Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.

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Q. What do tight pants and a cheap motel have in common?

A. No ball room

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Why didn't the man report his stolen credit card?
The thief was spending less than his wife.

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Why does the bride always wear white?

Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the cooker and the fridge.

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What did the egg say to the boiling water?
I dont think I can get hard, I just got laid this morning!

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What's white and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A fridge.

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