Koolkat’s Quips - funny One-Liners

[Seafood]

I ate a kids meal in McDonald’s this morning.
His mother was furious.

[Seafood]

My wife's shopping addiction is getting out of control. Last night I found a naked man in her wardrobe. Honestly she'll buy anything!

[Seafood]

All these cyclists saying its good for you, they are always peddling something

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The most common sexual position for married couples is doggy style.

Where the husband sits & begs, while the wife rolls over & plays dead!

[Seafood]

I've just bought a Jehovah's witness advent calendar...

Every time I open a door on it someone tells me to fuc off!

 

 

[Seafood]

I crossed a Crocodile with a Budgie,,

It bit me leg off,and said,,,Who,s a naughty boy,

 

[Seafood]

I got sacked from PC World today. A guy came in the store and asked me what was the best thing to finding your ancestors and I said a shovel

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BEWARE, Calvin Klein has a cunning plan to make us buy more underware.

I saw the price of their boxers and shat myself.

[Seafood]

When you accidentally click a random name in your chat list then you're shocked because you had a convo a few years ago.

 

[Seafood]

Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 32, looking for some action!"

I've sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy!

[Seafood]

If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?

[Seafood]

Lying in bed listening to the Doors. I really should oil the hinges

[Seafood]

I just blocked someone for correcting my grammar and it feelded good.

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The good news.... I've made it to the golden years.

The bad news... there ain't no gold.

[Seafood]

I was always amazed by Jesus' biblical miracle with loaves and fishes.

That was until I realised what Walker's could do with one potato.

 

 

[Seafood]

I was going out with a woman who was a spiritulist and medium but when she said she was seeing other people that was the end of that

[Seafood]

The first guy that persuaded a blind person that they needed sunglasses must have been a talented salesman.

[Seafood]

GREAT NEWS.

Bing Crosby , Don Partridge, Mary Hopkins , and Lee Hazelwood, have asked me to join their group to sing carols this year, this is very exclusive, just Bing Don Mary Lee and I.

[Seafood]

Dear McVities,

I really love your Chocolate Digestives. However the top biscuit is always broken.

Have you thought of leaving that one out the packet?

[Seafood]

I could never work in the Jobcentre.

Imagine if you got fired...

You'd still have to show up the next day!

[Seafood]

A man and a woman can be just friends with no sex involved...

It's called marriage!

[Seafood]

My first time travelling by air was from a Mango tree to the ground.

[Seafood]

Had really mixed emotions when the missus told me i was going to be a father for the first time...

We already had two kids

[Seafood]

An honest politician, a kind lawyer and Santa Claus were walking down the street and saw a $20 note. Which one picked it up and took it to a police station? Santa! The other two don't exist!

[Seafood]

If you think girls are dramatic then you've never seen a guy lose in a video game~