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Koolkat’s Quips - funny One-Liners


koolkat

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Posted

I'm not an organ donor, but I once gave an old piano to the Salvation Army.

Posted
How to make your marriage work'
First put up a good fight for the first 7-10 years & then nod and agree
Posted

My wife just bought a new answering machine...
She's wondering what question to ask it ?

  • Haha 1
Posted

Whoever said 'laughter is the best medicine' never suffered from erectile dysfunction.

Posted
I bought a flat pack wardrobe from Bonnie Tyler.
Every now and then it falls apart...
Posted

At the barbers today, I asked to have my hair cut the way Tom Cruise does!..
So he gave me a cushion to sit on!

Posted
In the event of a nuclear war the only things that will survive are the cockroaches. Which means Britain should still have a functioning government.
 
 
Posted
I got back from work to find the kids have been on Ebay all day...
If they're still there tomorrow I'll try lowering the price..
Posted

If a vegan and a vegetarian jump off a cliff to see who gets to the bottom first, then who wins?.....Society

Posted

My wife came in while
I was watching the football she said, "Aww, is this the Paralympics?" I said, "No, it's Liverpool.

Posted
I was gutted when my cat drowned in the washing machine...
At least he died in Comfort!
Posted

Did you know........
Kids are the most expensive things you can get for free.

  • Haha 1
Posted
There's funny noises coming from my teapot. It sounds like thunder and lightning to me...
I think it must be a storm brewing!
 
 
  • Haha 1
Posted

I've just told my boss i want a pay rise as i have 3 other companies chasing me. He said "Who"? I said "Gas, Electric and Water".

Posted

Just off for a first date with a gourmet platter in my hand.
Her profile said she likes a man with mussels..
Wish me luck!

Posted
Private math tuition.
£10 an hour or three hours for a fiver!!
Posted

Bought a lamp stand from IKEA. Was asked by the girl on the till, ‘If I was putting it up myself’ I said "No, I'm putting it in my lounge luv’

  • Haha 1
Posted
First rule of Rick Astley Fight Club...
You know the rules, and so do I!
Posted

I'm not saying I'm ugly but people used to say to my mum"What a lovely pram"“

Posted

Children brighten up your home because they never turn the bloody lights off!

  • Haha 1
Posted
I was looking through a dictionary and I think I've just found what could be the worst page in it. .....What I read was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous..
 
 
Posted

I had a lovely 12" Pizza last night, he said you want it cut into 6 or 8 pieces, i said 6 i could never eat 8

Posted

If all dentists make money from bad teeth...
Why should we use toothpaste that 9 out of 10 dentists recommend?

Posted

Wouldn’t say stabbings are getting out of hand in my local pub, but they’ve renamed it 'Wetherknives.'

Posted

Liverpool are top of the league..
According to this month's national crime statistics

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