Koolkat’s Quips - funny One-Liners

[Seafood]

I'm not an organ donor, but I once gave an old piano to the Salvation Army.

[Seafood]

How to make your marriage work'

First put up a good fight for the first 7-10 years & then nod and agree

[Seafood]

My wife just bought a new answering machine...
She's wondering what question to ask it ?

[Seafood]

Whoever said 'laughter is the best medicine' never suffered from erectile dysfunction.

[Seafood]

I bought a flat pack wardrobe from Bonnie Tyler.

Every now and then it falls apart...

[Seafood]

At the barbers today, I asked to have my hair cut the way Tom Cruise does!..
So he gave me a cushion to sit on!

[Seafood]

In the event of a nuclear war the only things that will survive are the cockroaches. Which means Britain should still have a functioning government.

 

 

[Seafood]

I got back from work to find the kids have been on Ebay all day...

If they're still there tomorrow I'll try lowering the price..

[Seafood]

If a vegan and a vegetarian jump off a cliff to see who gets to the bottom first, then who wins?.....Society

[Seafood]

My wife came in while
I was watching the football she said, "Aww, is this the Paralympics?" I said, "No, it's Liverpool.

[Seafood]

I was gutted when my cat drowned in the washing machine...

At least he died in Comfort!

[Seafood]

Did you know........
Kids are the most expensive things you can get for free.

[Seafood]

There's funny noises coming from my teapot. It sounds like thunder and lightning to me...

I think it must be a storm brewing!

 

 

[Seafood]

I've just told my boss i want a pay rise as i have 3 other companies chasing me. He said "Who"? I said "Gas, Electric and Water".

[Seafood]

Just off for a first date with a gourmet platter in my hand.
Her profile said she likes a man with mussels..
Wish me luck!

[Seafood]

Private math tuition.

£10 an hour or three hours for a fiver!!

[Seafood]

Bought a lamp stand from IKEA. Was asked by the girl on the till, ‘If I was putting it up myself’ I said "No, I'm putting it in my lounge luv’

[Seafood]

First rule of Rick Astley Fight Club...

You know the rules, and so do I!

[Seafood]

I'm not saying I'm ugly but people used to say to my mum"What a lovely pram"“

[Seafood]

Children brighten up your home because they never turn the bloody lights off!

[Seafood]

I was looking through a dictionary and I think I've just found what could be the worst page in it. .....What I read was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous..

 

 

[Seafood]

I had a lovely 12" Pizza last night, he said you want it cut into 6 or 8 pieces, i said 6 i could never eat 8

[Seafood]

If all dentists make money from bad teeth...
Why should we use toothpaste that 9 out of 10 dentists recommend?

[Seafood]

Wouldn’t say stabbings are getting out of hand in my local pub, but they’ve renamed it 'Wetherknives.'

[Seafood]

Liverpool are top of the league..
According to this month's national crime statistics