Koolkat’s Quips - funny One-Liners

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Neil Armstrong lands on the moon: 5 pictures.

Girl goes to Starbucks : 47 pictures.

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I wondered why my head was getting smaller. Then I realised I'd picked up the potato peeler instead of my comb!

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My grandma is 80% Irish.
People call her Iris

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I said to the doctor, "I'm having trouble pronouncing words beginning with F and TH."

The doctor replied, "Well, you can't say fairer than that!"

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What do you do for a living? I used to sell furniture, but the problem was they were my own, and now they are finished!

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My wife just said "There was someone knocking on the door, with a beard!"
I said, "no wonder I couldn't hear him!"

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Do you workout? What's your favorite machine in the gym? Mine is the vending machine.

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I went to see my Doctor yesterday for a prostate examination.
There was nothing to worry about, he gave me the thumbs up.

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I want to thank a friend who explained PLETHORA to me.
It means a lot.

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After years of exhaustive studies and research, scientists have finally found out what makes women happy.

Nothing!

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Just created an online exaggeration club,

It has nearly 3 million members already.

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My Italian friend has just lost both of his hands in a horrific accident. His doctor is worried that he may never talk again!

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Intelligence is like underwear. It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off

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Just left the dentist with a sore and bleeding mouth.
He's had it coming.

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My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives...

I️ said, "No, in fact, I️ like your mother in law a lot better than I️ like mine".....!!!

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With the amount of raw sewage the water companies are dumping in Britain's waterways nowadays, the Lancashire seaside holiday resort is to be renamed Brownpool.

 

 

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Boss: "You've been late for work three times this week. Do you know what that means?"

Me: "It's Wednesday

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I see that the Royal horse won at Ascot today.
Well done Camilla.

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Latest from BBC News: "Bad drivers to face fines of up to £500".

Seems a bit sexist to me...

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My work colleague asked me, “Why do you keep a picture of your wife on your desk if you hate her so much?” I replied, “In case I’m tempted to take a day off.”

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Forgetting Things Is Actually A Sign Of Higher Intelligence, According To Science

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I was singing Barry White songs at a Karaoke last night when the crowd shouted "You are soul".. I think they loved me.

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Last night I dreamt of a beautiful walk on a sandy beach..... At least that explains the footprints I found in the cat litter box this morning....

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After building my freshly purchased IKEA wardrobe in the car park there, I discovered it wouldn't fit in my car. I think the Assembly Point is a really stupid idea.

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It does not matter how old you are,you know you still have not grown up yet,when a duck quacks at you and you quack back !!!!