Koolkat’s Quips - funny One-Liners

[Seafood]

I was listening to this wanker in the pub today complaining about the price of petrol when I decided to inform him he was paying nearly 4 pounds for a Pint of liquid that was roughly 4% alcohol and 96% flavoured water.

[Seafood]

My wife is a light eater....

As soon as it's light, the fat b*st*rd starts eating!

[Seafood]

Me and the Mrs Got very hot in the bedroom last night,

The air conditioning broke down.

[Seafood]

Donald Trump finally has something that Obama doesn't: a criminal record...

[Seafood]

I'm absolutely knackered from my French self-defence class last night..
I've never run so far in all my life!!

[Seafood]

I've ran out of toilet paper, so started using old newspapers.
The Times are rough

[Seafood]

Breeders have just bred a cross between a rottweiler and a st bernard,the result is it rips your throat out then dumps your body at the hospital

[Seafood]

Good news the wife has been cured of her obsession with all things lunar. She's over the moon.

[Seafood]

I'm off to a Coronation street party this weekend.

I think I'll go as Jack Duckworth!!

[Seafood]

My uncle's a lion tamer. When he went bankrupt, they took nearly everything, but at least he's still got his pride.

[Seafood]

"These grapes taste funny, love. Did you wash them?"
"Yes, she replied. It's probably the soap."

[Seafood]

The only time nowadays, I ever get asked for sex,

Is on application forms.

[Seafood]

I’m not an alcoholic I just like having an always attractive wife

[Seafood]

Guy in Liverpool led police on a 15-mile chase Thursday in a road sweeper machine, only time anyone's ever completed their Community Service before they got arrested.

[Seafood]

Don't piss off old people, getting life for murder isn't so long for us.

[Seafood]

I love eBay. I sold my homing pigeons 18 times last month.

[Seafood]

If anyone wants to come around and see my poor carpentry skills, my door is always open

[Seafood]

Just saw three people jogging outside my window, and it inspired me...

To get up and close the curtains. That's enough interaction with people today!

 

 

[Seafood]

I've just been fined a total of $1200 for stealing from DFS.......

But the Judge said I've got nothing to pay until 2024.

[Seafood]

I only ever eat cake on two occasions…

When it's my birthday and when it's not my birthday!

[Seafood]

I'm not saying people in my area have bad teeth, but one woman just smiled in the shop and the barcode scanner picked it up as a set of saucepans.

[Seafood]

Played golf today and the best two balls that I hit,

Was when I trod on a rake in the sand bunker.

[Seafood]

My five year old son said he wanted a tree house in the back garden.

Twenty years growing a tree and now he doesn't want it anymore.

 

 

[Seafood]

A woman goes to the doctor as her kleptomania's getting worse and the Doc said " have you taken anything for it ?

[Seafood]

My wife left me because she said i treated her like our pet cat?
But she'll be back when she's hungry.