Koolkat’s Quips - funny One-Liners

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As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself..Maybe i should never have been a tour guide

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Listening to someone and I wasn't sure if they were drunk or having a stroke. Then I realised that they were just speaking Welsh.

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To save money on a coffin, buy a pen from Amazon and use the box it came in!!..

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Had a date with my dentist last night, It went very well!...She wants to see me again in 6 months.

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I'm setting up a group for cyclists who ignore red lights!

Please feel free to join...

Cyclists Unable to Notice Traffic Signals.

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I found a dead mouse on my pillow when I got home today. It seems that even the Mafia are making cut-backs.

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Does KFC give you a bucket so you have something to be sick in after you've eaten it ?

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To save money on a coffin, buy a pen from Amazon and use the box it came in!!..

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It cost me thirty thousand dollars when my wife was kidnapped.....Hell of a party though.

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I said to the wife, we haven't had sex for 3 months,
She said, speak for yourself.

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We used to spend all winter praying the central heating never broke down. Now we spend all winter praying it does.

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I just opened my wheelie bin and a wasp flew out
What kind of sick b*st*rd would throw a wasp in a bin?

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So I went to the safari park and a rhino tried to charge me.
I gave him my ticket as proof that I had already paid!

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How many teenagers does it take to change a light bulb?
No one knows cus there isn't a App for it!

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I remember backing a horse in the National a few years ago called
Roll A Joint
Old nag come nowhere just stood about eating pizzas!

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My girlfriend said she's leaving me because I'm too immature...

I said "your just talking a load of updoc!"

You should of seen the joy sweep over my face when she replied "What's updoc?"

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My dad was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.

I have an uncle, once removed.

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I got mugged in Town last night by an acupuncturist, the b*st*rd stabbed me 236 times !

Mind you, when I woke up this morning I felt absolutely brilliant !

 

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Paris Hilton claims she invented 'pretending to be a dumb blonde '. Yeah, and all it required was a bottle of peroxide.

 

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Ladies the best solution to a bad hair day,
Is to wear a low cut blouse.

 

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The worst thing about growing old is,

Having to listen to the advice from your children.

 

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I just failed my ventriloquists exam...

Can't say I'm surprised!

 

 

 

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I've just remembered a word that I've been trying to think of for two weeks.

It's fortnight.

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I’ve spent my whole life being proud of my English heritage, until I found out that my great grandfather was from Transylvania. Now I can’t even look at myself in the mirror.

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I wonder what Geronimo shouted when he jumped out of the plane?