Seafood Posted April 2, 2023 #601 Posted April 2, 2023 As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself..Maybe i should never have been a tour guide
Seafood Posted April 6, 2023 #602 Posted April 6, 2023 Listening to someone and I wasn't sure if they were drunk or having a stroke. Then I realised that they were just speaking Welsh.
Seafood Posted April 6, 2023 #603 Posted April 6, 2023 To save money on a coffin, buy a pen from Amazon and use the box it came in!!..
Seafood Posted April 6, 2023 #604 Posted April 6, 2023 Had a date with my dentist last night, It went very well!...She wants to see me again in 6 months.
Seafood Posted April 7, 2023 #605 Posted April 7, 2023 I'm setting up a group for cyclists who ignore red lights! Please feel free to join... Cyclists Unable to Notice Traffic Signals.
Seafood Posted April 8, 2023 #606 Posted April 8, 2023 I found a dead mouse on my pillow when I got home today. It seems that even the Mafia are making cut-backs.
Seafood Posted April 9, 2023 #607 Posted April 9, 2023 Does KFC give you a bucket so you have something to be sick in after you've eaten it ?
Seafood Posted April 10, 2023 #608 Posted April 10, 2023 To save money on a coffin, buy a pen from Amazon and use the box it came in!!..
Seafood Posted April 11, 2023 #609 Posted April 11, 2023 It cost me thirty thousand dollars when my wife was kidnapped.....Hell of a party though.
Seafood Posted April 14, 2023 #610 Posted April 14, 2023 I said to the wife, we haven't had sex for 3 months, She said, speak for yourself.
Seafood Posted April 14, 2023 #611 Posted April 14, 2023 We used to spend all winter praying the central heating never broke down. Now we spend all winter praying it does.
Seafood Posted April 14, 2023 #612 Posted April 14, 2023 I just opened my wheelie bin and a wasp flew out What kind of sick b*st*rd would throw a wasp in a bin?
Seafood Posted April 15, 2023 #613 Posted April 15, 2023 So I went to the safari park and a rhino tried to charge me. I gave him my ticket as proof that I had already paid!
Seafood Posted April 16, 2023 #614 Posted April 16, 2023 How many teenagers does it take to change a light bulb? No one knows cus there isn't a App for it!
Seafood Posted April 17, 2023 #615 Posted April 17, 2023 I remember backing a horse in the National a few years ago called Roll A Joint Old nag come nowhere just stood about eating pizzas!
Seafood Posted April 18, 2023 #616 Posted April 18, 2023 My girlfriend said she's leaving me because I'm too immature... I said "your just talking a load of updoc!" You should of seen the joy sweep over my face when she replied "What's updoc?"
Seafood Posted April 19, 2023 #617 Posted April 19, 2023 My dad was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth. I have an uncle, once removed.
Seafood Posted April 20, 2023 #618 Posted April 20, 2023 I got mugged in Town last night by an acupuncturist, the b*st*rd stabbed me 236 times ! Mind you, when I woke up this morning I felt absolutely brilliant !
Seafood Posted April 21, 2023 #619 Posted April 21, 2023 Paris Hilton claims she invented 'pretending to be a dumb blonde '. Yeah, and all it required was a bottle of peroxide.
Seafood Posted April 22, 2023 #620 Posted April 22, 2023 Ladies the best solution to a bad hair day, Is to wear a low cut blouse.
Seafood Posted April 23, 2023 #621 Posted April 23, 2023 The worst thing about growing old is, Having to listen to the advice from your children.
Seafood Posted April 24, 2023 #622 Posted April 24, 2023 I just failed my ventriloquists exam... Can't say I'm surprised!
Seafood Posted April 25, 2023 #623 Posted April 25, 2023 I've just remembered a word that I've been trying to think of for two weeks. It's fortnight.
Seafood Posted April 26, 2023 #624 Posted April 26, 2023 I’ve spent my whole life being proud of my English heritage, until I found out that my great grandfather was from Transylvania. Now I can’t even look at myself in the mirror.
Seafood Posted April 27, 2023 #625 Posted April 27, 2023 I wonder what Geronimo shouted when he jumped out of the plane?
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