Koolkat’s Quips - funny One-Liners

[Seafood]

Not many people believed in my ability.
But after the loss of 14 pounds in 5 weeks I have done it.
Fixed the hole in my pocket.

[Seafood]

I'm not one to brag about the expensive places I've visited, but I've just got back from the Vets

 

 

[Seafood]

Surprise your girlfriend this Valentine's Day...

Introduce her to your wife!

[Seafood]

Valentine special Only £400, We arrest you infront of your wife in police uniforms , blues and 2's and release you 4 days later , includes, camping site, fishing licence, tent & beer.

[Seafood]

I didn't think it was possible to travel 20 years back in time....

until I got into an argument with my wife.

 

 

[Seafood]

Doctor says , "Tell your dad that I said hi" , patient says , "But he's dead" , doctor says , I know ....

[Seafood]

I think my neighbour is stalking me. She's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

[Seafood]

When faced with a difficult problem I usually ask myself

"What would Grandma have done?"

Then I leave the house in my underwear and shout at random strangers!!.

[Seafood]

Just been on a bomb disposal course. It was a bit disappointing…

It's just ticking boxes!

 

 

[Seafood]

I went to the bar and ordered a pint of Less.

The barman asks, "What's Less?"

I answered, "I don't really know but the doctor told me to start drinking it!"

 

 

[Seafood]

Just saw two birds stuck together in the garden...
I think they're velcrows!

[Seafood]

Wives are funny creatures, they don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then want to kill the woman that does.

[Seafood]

When my girlfriend moved away i wrote her letters everyday,
She married the postman

[visitor]

most effective "safe word" (actually two words): my turn

[Seafood]

The inventor of the throat lozenger has died today!!

There will be no coffin at his funeral

 

[Seafood]

Just so everyone is clear, I'm going to put my glasses on!

[Seafood]

My mate had neck brace fitted at the hospital about six months ago.
And he's never looked back since

[Seafood]

Hate it when your fingers go through the toilet paper mid wipe,

But other than that, I'm enjoying working at the old folks home.

[Seafood]

I told my wife, "you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back"

She said, "what do you expect - you're in a wheelchair"

[Seafood]

Have to have, the world's unluckiest love life, My wife, just left me for my mistress.

 

 

[Seafood]

Local Transport Authorities, come up with a miraculous invention, to help women drivers, It's called a bus ticket.

 

 

[Seafood]

Saw this sign that said Yard sale. I walked up and asked the lady how much she wanted for her yard

[Seafood]

Today
is Shakin Steven’s 75th Birthday.
I met him once, he seemed nervous!

[Seafood]

Just been conned on ebay.
I bought the worlds biggest cardboard box but the one it came in was bigger.

[Seafood]

My bank just called me about suspicious activity on my account.

They didn't believe I bought a gym membership.