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Koolkat’s Quips - funny One-Liners


koolkat

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Posted
I've just renamed my wifi network Police Surveillance Van #02
That should keep the bloody neighbours on their toes over the holidays
 
 
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We've got a transvestite joining us for Christmas this year.
He said he can't wait to eat, drink and be Mary!
 
 
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Just woke up to find a spoon in my mouth, a tea bag in my left eye and milk in my right eye. I'm getting sick of being treated like a mug !

Posted

The invisible man and the invisible woman got married.
Sadly, their kids were nothing to look at.

Posted

Lads if you're wondering what to do with your turkey carcass after Christmas. Pop it into your bed and imagine you're David Beckham.

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Unbelievable. Still 10 weeks till Pancake Day and the shops are already selling milk, eggs and flour…

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It’s 364 days till Christmas and the bloke next door has his decorations up

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I would rather have a bottle in front of me , than a frontal lobotomy!

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Spent yesterday afternoon in the zoo treating monkeys with depression…
I'm always there when the chimps are down!
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When I go to someone's house and they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don't like visitors.
 
 
Posted
I was entering a singles bar last night when a bouncer started patting me down.
He said, "Have you got anything on you that you shouldn't have?"
"Yes," I replied. "My wedding ring!"
Posted
When I was at school, the other pupils voted me: "Pupil most likely to end up in a mental institution."
They got that wrong! Turns out I'm actually: " The Only pupil who didn't die in a mysterious unexplained accident."
Posted

I asked the wife what her friend gets from her husband for Christmas. She said, "Elixir." I replied, "After 25 years of marriage and five kids, don't you go getting any ideas."

Posted

If you're thinking about getting one of those pre-paid cremation plans,
Don't go to an English company, they'll lose the ashes.

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What gets me into the holiday spirit? ...Usually, a corkscrew or a bottle opener

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The good news is no matter how much weight I put on over the holidays my flip flops still fit.

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A friend offered me a go on his private ice rink for 50p. I thought "What a cheapskate".

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My 95yr old gran is truly amazing. She still doesn't use glasses...
She drinks straight from the bottle.
Posted

I never have any luck,The Memory Foam Mattress i bought last year
Its got Alzheimer"s

Posted

Was in bed watching the wife slip on her new stiletto heels , “Are you ready for the pain babe” she giggled,.....Then she handed me the receipt.

Posted
Don't bother putting those handcuffs on me, officer; they don't fit.
Me and your wife have already established that.....
Posted

I used to date a woman supervisor with one leg who worked at the brewery. She was in charge of the hops

Posted
I was walking past the church on Sunday morning when the vicar shouted at me, "Love your neighbour." I shouted back, "Me too, cracking pair of tits!"
 
 
Posted
It's almost two months to Pancake Tuesday and the shops are full of milk,flour and eggs !!!!
Ridiculous that
Posted
A one legged man was at an ATM guess what he was doing ???
He was checking his balance..

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