Koolkat’s Quips - funny One-Liners

[Seafood]

You're not fat..
Come on..
Chin up.... no,the other one

[Seafood]

I spent my whole life being proud of my English heritage, until I found out that my great grandfather was actually from Transylvania.

Now I can’t even look at myself in the mirror!

[Seafood]

I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label................

[Seafood]

We used to leave the lights on to deter burglars.
Now, it attracts them because they think we must be loaded!!

[Seafood]

My wife suggested we spice up our marriage with 'doctors and nurses' role play. So I put her on a trolley and ignored her for two days......

[Seafood]

[Seafood]

Prince Andrew and Sarah Ferguson to take on the Queen’s corgis..........and the Corgis win.

 

 

 

 

[Seafood]

I've opened three birthday cards and I'm already $150 up I love being a postman...

[Seafood]

I think it's ridiculous that people are letting off fireworks in September, my cat was so scared he ran up the Christmas tree!!

[Seafood]

We had the house valued recently and sold it for £10,000 less to get a quick sale. Our old landlord still hasn't found us.

 

 

[Seafood]

How did the bloke who made the first clock, know what time it was?

[Seafood]

My computer thrashed me in a game of chess earlier but was no match for me at kickboxing soon after.

[Seafood]

The Royal Mail will now be called Charles III Post Office, or C3PO

[Seafood]

Great loyal birds are seagulls, they always turn up when the chips are down.

[Seafood]

Even though I no longer need to, I still insist on wearing a covid mask to work. If I didn't, my customers would be able to smell the booze on my breath.

 

 

[Seafood]

To the gentleman that left his £20,000 Diamond studded Gold Rolex in the Casino last night

The time is now 10am..

[Seafood]

The steak in the restaurant tonight, was like eating rubber
Mind you, he was a Michelin style chef

[Seafood]

The doctor told me that I have low blood pressure...
He's given me a prescription for 2 IKEA self assembly wardrobes!

[Seafood]

I was on the phone to the Mrs earlier, ''I'm near home love, put the kettle on?'' After a 10 second pause, I said, ''Hello, you still there?''....''Yeah,'' she replied, ''I don't think the kettle wants to talk right now!

[Seafood]

I drank so much vodka last night that i woke up this morning with a Russian accent...

[Seafood]

Before we get to Movember, if anyone wants to sponsor me to eat triangular Swiss chocolate next month, I’m doing Octoblerone!

[Seafood]

I was wondering why the image in my rearview mirror was larger than usual.
Then it hit me!

[Seafood]

In today's Independent: Americans want to know why British homes have 'tiny' doors. It's called eating sensibly.

[Seafood]

So excited! My loan got approved! Next week, I will be the proud owner of a full tank of petrol!

[Seafood]

Last night I was dreaming of a beautiful walk on a sandy beach.

At least that explains the footprints I found in the cat litter box this morning.