Koolkat’s Quips - funny One-Liners

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My new girlfriend said you don't like my cooking. I said yes I do. She said prove it. So I had another slice of gravy!

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My wife was looking at an evening dress in an expensive shop, "It's beautiful, isn't it?" she said. "Yes, " I replied, "I wonder if they have it in your shape. "

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So, I've noticed that i've become happier and calmer since I swapped Coffee for Fresh Orange on a morning.. My Doctor says it's to do with the Vitamin C and Natural sugar content.. I still strongly believe it's the Vodka I mix in..

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I don't think the Man Utd WAGs have anything to worry about. I've not seen a bunch of men play away so badly in my lifetime!!

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I was winning an argument with the wife but then she took her top off... I was speechless, it was a booby trap...

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I'm at an age where all of my secrets are safe with friends because they can't remember them either “

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I was struggling to get my wife's attention.
So, I sat down on the sofa and looked comfortable.
That did the trick!

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Believe it or not in 1982 Cliff Richard dated tennis player Sue Barker.

That year she remained unseeded!

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Ryan Giggs cries in court as he describes spending a night in a cell as being the worst time in his life.

It could be worse Ryan, at least you're not in the current man United team!!

[Seafood]

Why don't they make planes out of the black boxes they find in air disasters?
I find this baffling!

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If you have multiple broken ribs it can be extremely painful when you laugh. Ensure a pain-free recovery by watching the box set of Mrs Brown's Boys!

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To the 89 year old lady that just won 54 million on the lottery..
Whats up baby?

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I wonder if any policeman has ever managed to keep a straight face,
While telling a woman she has the right to remain silent.

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A hacker got into my bank account, then left me a note,
"Please save more money. This was a complete waste of my time!

[Seafood]

I played football yesterday on a pitch compacted by rubble and broken bricks....we won 5-4 on aggregate

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I said to the pharmacist, “Can you recommend something for a constant headache?”……He said “Have you tried marriage?”

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My boss fired me for making too many Asean jokes. It was the end of my Korea. I'm still China find another job.

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My wife and I have the cutest nicknames for each other.
She is my buttercup and I’m her useless sack of sh*t!

[Seafood]

So I went to a wife swapping party last night.
Result.
Got a set of headlamps for a Ford Capri and three Shakin’ Stevens LPs!!..

[Seafood]

Make your next car crash more fun by replacing the Airbag
With a Custard Pie!!

[Seafood]

I threw a ball for my dog...
It's a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a dinner jacket.

[Seafood]

Will the parents of the child who fell into the lion enclosure please come to lost property to collect his shoe laces!

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We used to leave the lights on to deter burglars.
Now, it attracts them because they think we must be loaded!!

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Always remember its better to wake up and pee than to pee and wake up ☺️

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I hate hotel bath towels. So thick and fluffy. I can't even close my suitcase!