Koolkat’s Quips - funny One-Liners

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When i go to someone's house and they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don't like visitors.

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Showing signs of Monkeypox?
Feel unwell?
Ring us NOW!!
You may be entitled to chimpensation!!

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Welcome to middle age! No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while your still alive!!

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I think my local garage is ripping me off, does anyone else think £500 for a Tesla exhaust is a lot?

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''Walkers Crisp Supplies Hit By Computer Glitch''
Apparently the robots were putting a second crisp in each packet!!

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"Could the parents of the little girl who fell in the tiger enclosure please come to Lost Property to collect her shoes''.

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Wife got a mud pack, and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.

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Strange new trend in the office.
People putting names on food in the communal fridge.
Today I had a cheese sandwich named Susan.

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Im looking for friends with benefits, and by that, I mean people who have swimming pool, boats or vacation homes.

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A man knocked on my door this morning and said, "Could you spare 5 minutes to do an opinion poll?"

I replied, "Sorry mate, my opinion isn't in at the moment, she has gone shopping!"

 

 

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My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything that I forgot to do.

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One cigarette each time you have sex was the doctor's prescription
That's how I quit smoking

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Woke up this morning, looked down and one of my toes was missing,

There was a note stuck to my foot that said 'Gone To Market'

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People say I'm nuts.
Then I realize that it's just me talking to myself.

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The 148 MP's voted against the Buffoon.
They were the ones who weren't invited to any of his parties!!

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Two women were talking about their new milkman.

"He's very good looking, punctual and dresses so smartly" said one.

"And dresses so quickly too!" said the other.

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There's nothing worse than having a Cranberries song stuck in your heeeead, in your heeeead, in your head, in your head,in your hea, hea, hea, head...

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I'm done with helping people !!

Yesterday I gave up my seat on the bus for a blind person.

Today, I lost my job as a bus driver...... This world is too cruel for the kind hearted.!

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hospitality: is the art of making others feel like they are at home;
even though you wish they were !!

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Parents today are afraid to slap their kids. Meanwhile I'm here remembering the time my mother factory reset me with a slap.

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The earthworm is only there to make sure that the other worms don’t get electrocuted!!..

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I'm no magician but i once turned a back rub into two kids and a mortgage!!..

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My girlfriend turned to me last night and said; “ I love your eyes. I could live in your eyes.”
I said; “ well, you’d be at home, there’s a sty in one of them!”

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The England football team visited an orphanage in Wolverhampton today.

"It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope," said Ben, age six!!..