Koolkat’s Quips - funny One-Liners

[Seafood]

I had a right fright just now.
I was in the bath reading a ghost story ,next thing I felt a tap on my shoulder

[Seafood]

One flea says to the other will we walk or take the Dog.

 

 

[Seafood]

My parrot's feet keep slipping of the perch. So, I asked my dentist if he had samples of 'Polly Grip', to see if that would help.

[Seafood]

My Dad taught us to swim by throwing us in the canal.

The hardest part was getting out the tied up sack.

[Seafood]

Arguing with a woman is like being arrested, anything you say can & will be used against you. So use your right to remain silent.

[Seafood]

I really don't mind going to work . . .
But the eight hour wait to go home again is just bullshit!

[Seafood]

I hate it when i'm singing along to a song on the radio and the artist gets the lyrics wrong

[Seafood]

Bullying Support Group meeting, tonight at 8 o'clock.
You'd better fuccing be there....OR ELSE!

[Seafood]

Did u know Diana Dors had a younger sister called Erin? She didnt get out much!

[Seafood]

Johnny the serial flasher decided to retire but then changed his mind and decided to stick it out for another year.

[Seafood]

(.)(.) + ££ = ( . )( . )

 

 

[Seafood]

Amazing how people say they wont watch women's football because the standard is so low, but they'll still watch the Man Utd men's team?

[Seafood]

Three years ago, I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date. Today, I asked her to marry me.
She said no both times.

[Seafood]

Took the girlfriend to the cinema to watch the new Godzilla movie !

Afterwards she was in the cinema foyer Signing autographs for three hours !!

[Seafood]

I went to the Doctors again today and said "Doctor my hands keep shaking all the time"! He said "Do you drink a lot of alcohol"? I said "No i spill most of it".

[Seafood]

Ive got a feeling my new girlfriend is a Ghost,,

I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door,,,

[Seafood]

If anyone wants to come around and see my poor carpentry skills, my door is always open

[Seafood]

The wife said it would really turn me on too watch you pleasure yourself!
So I cracked open a beer an put the football on

[Seafood]

Me mate Paddy has just bought a Smart car
It wont let him in,,,

[Seafood]

My grandmother started to walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety seven now, and we don't know where the heck she is.

[Seafood]

A very proud day for me... Just found out I've been accepted for the London School of Medicine... Only trouble is, they don't want me while I'm still alive

[Seafood]

There's a gang going through our town, systematically shoplifting clothes in size order.The police believe they're still at large.

[Seafood]

The blonde girl next door was delighted when she was caught stealing Mascara in Saudia Arabia,

Welll she was told she would receive 50 Lashes,,,,

[Seafood]

Walkers Crisps have announced that, after 74 years of production, they are just about to finish their first sack of potatoes!

[Seafood]

Another Steven Gerrard slip up denies Liverpool a title yet again!!